HEADBUTT!
by Shrilanka-San
Summary: Do you like insanity of the random form? Then read this one, filled with random skits about blowing up things, how to wage battle the right and wrong way, classes for everyne from the vocally challenged to the nonassertive, and everything random humor is.
1. Post WWII Art

Ruh roh! Bet you never expected this to happen! Shri-san does…FIRE EMBLEM! So welcome to the very first installment of HEADBUTT! Why, do you ask, did I decide to call it HEADBUTT (yes, it's _supposed _to be all caps). Well…I dunno, I figured since this was a random thing, I'd need a random name. Besides, it really roles off the tongue (sorta…). As to story setup, it's more like a bunch of random skits cobbled together in such a way that it becomes long enough for a suitable reading thing. Basically, it's like the Monty Python show format. Or All That. You know what I mean.

This frequently crosses over with 'Fire Emblem' and 'Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones'. My question is…WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GET THE 'ROY VERSION' (that's what I call it) ON ENGLISH GBA SO I CAN PLAY IT! So don't be freaked out if characters frequently bump into each other…as for the updates, they should be pretty random, but at the same time, I'll try to make them decently frequent (it _is _summer after all). Considering I'm already working on two other stories…ha ha. I'm bitting off more than I can chew.

I know it sounds kooky, but give it a try, okay? Does this offer bonus minutes on your cell phone? No. Does it contain much-needed insanity? Yes. Did Shri just get sugar high, sit down, and write all of this in two days **cough** polite **cough** coughing…

And now…THE BEGINNING!

**EXCERPTS FROM THE BATTLEFIELD**

"Shri, it's terrible!" yelled Lyn to the tactician named Shri, outside of the battlefield, as it was snowing wildly around her. "The situation looks grim. The Black Fang are everywhere. They outnumber us at least three to one, with more on the way. They have mages to the east, generals to the west, and wyvern riders to the north!"

"FEAR NOT!" said Shri. "I shall guide us safely through the battle!"

Silence.

"…eventually!" finished Shri. "RIGHT! Let's see…wyvern riders are weak against swords-"

"Spells," said Lyn.

"THAT'S WHAT I MEANT! THE TWO ARE VERY EASILY CONFUSED!" yelled Shri. "I mean, how many letters do they have in common?"

"Two…if you count the 's' on the end," said Lyn.

"DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION? No!" said Shri. "I AM THE TACTIAN! I RULE YOUR FEEBLE LIVES! I HOOK YOU UP WITH PEOPLE! I AM MASTER OF YOUR FATES! BOW TO ME! BOW TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Is she ranting like a megalomaniac again?" asked Erk from outside.

"SHUT UP, OR I'LL GIVE YOU A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH SERRA!" yelled Shri. "Now then, back to the battle. Since wyvern riders are weak against sw-spells, we'll send Pricilla to beat them off!"

"Pricilla just got turned into a Valkyrie," said Lyn. "Are you sure?"

"HOLY CRUD, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" said Shri. "How come Valkyries do anima magic in this game, but _light _magic in the other? IT'S ALL VERY CONFUSING! It must be some kind of conspiracy!"

"Indeed…" said Lyn.

"Okay, just put Pricilla up front, and let's see how it rolls!" said Shri.

_One Turn Later_

"Pricilla's just died," said Lyn.

"RESTART TIME!" said Shri. "Oh well, this terrain can't be too hard to figure out!"

_12 Retries Later_

"Alright, I think I have sufficiently surveyed the battle field to a point where I can easily use my supreme tactical abilities to rain fiery death to our enemies!"

"And it only took you…six hours…" said Lyn.

"If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Shri yelled. "Now then! For my glorious plan, Rath goes east to shoot out that one guy with a bolt, and, provided that he isn't slaughtered by the wyvern riders guarding the-"

"Do you just not care so you can see the little opening scene with Sonia, Nino, and Jaffar over and over again?" asked Lyn.

Silence.

"That little comment has just earned you a supportive relationship with Hector," said Shri.

"NO! PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD!" said Lyn.

"Fine! Now do as I say and-"

"Eliwood just died," said Lyn.

"…is that a bad thing?" asked Shri. "I mean seriously, he's not that big a loss!"

"He's a lord Shri," said Lyn.

"So?" asked Shri.

"Let me put it this way…it's restart time," said Lyn.

_Two more retries later_

"The good news is that Heath just formed a supportive relationship with Pricilla," said Lyn.

"Yay!" said Shri.

"The bad news is that he died three seconds later," said Lyn.

"RESTART!" said Shri.

_Next Retry_

"Do I really need to say this one?" Lyn asked, walking into the room with a huge arrow sticking out of her stomach.

"RESTART!" said Shri.

_Three more retries_

"Uh…there's a homicidal maniac in the upper-left-hand corner of the map, and since none of the lords were up there, he butchered half our troops," said Lyn.

"RESTART!"

_Yet another retry_

"COMRADES! FRIENDS! EVERYONE ELSE!" sung the tactician in a sing-song voice. "BEHOLD! I bring you the fruits of a glorious victory!"

"AKA we're the luckiest SOBs to ever walk the face of the earth?" asked Lyn.

"CORRECT!" said Shri, who was standing rather heroically in front of the thrown room. "Now that we have defeated the brunt of the attack, all we have to do is beat the final boss, and we're golden!"

"Uh…Shri?" said Lyn.

"Yuppers Lyn?" asked Shri.

"You…do know who the final boss is right?" asked Lyn.

"'TIS FRAG TIME!" screamed Largo from 'Megatokyo', who had two-thousand HP, was armed with the world's scariest mystical crossbow, and who had a very homicidal look on his face.

"SQUEAK!" squeaked his faithful hamster, Boo, by his side.

"RE-"

"NO! WE ARE GOING TO KILL HIM, NO MATTER HOW MANY WE LOSE IN THE PROCESS!" yelled Lyn in a rather desperate voice.

"But can't I just-" Shri started.

"NO!" yelled Lyn. "You know, it's people like you who give this fandom a bad name! WON'T SOME LONE FIGURE COME TO SAVE OUR FANDOM FROM IDIOTS LIKE SHRI? WILL NO ONE SAVE US?"

---ooo---

_(Insert happy music here)_

"Hello everyone!" said Heath, sitting in a huge, plush chair, as his trusty wyvern Hyperion was devouring what appeared to be the bloody carcus of a large cow. "I'm Heath the Wyvern Rider, and five time winner of the guy who got the weirdest hair color award! And welcome too…_Lets Improve Our Fandom!_"

Random audience clapping.

"Today on 'Let's Improve Our Fandom', were going to take a look at common and overly used jokes…AND HOW TO SLAUGHTER THE FILTY PEOPLE WHO USE THEM!" said Heath. "Now, I know that I may be a deserter that looks like I took one too many Tylonal pills yet still remains incredibly attractive-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled someone offstage.

"HYPERION! KILL!" commanded Heath, as the berserk wyvern flew out onto the stage, and using advanced sound technology, the screams of pain were magically blocked out. "Anyway, it's funny that I am so incredibly attractive to the opposite gender (and to a few members of my same gender), because that's what we're talking about today! People who are unfairly persecuted for their looks, mainly…PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK THEIR GENDER!"

Cheers from the crowd.

"I MEAN SERIOUSLY!" said Heath, as he pulled up a female looking stick-figure labeled 'Lucius'. "LUCIUS LOOKS LIKE A BEACH BABE STUFFED INTO A MONK'S ROBES, OKAY? We don't need to constantly hurt his feelings again and again and again by giggling, drawing fan pictures of him in maids outfits, and having Sain flirt with him every other day! I mean give the poor guy a break!"

"THANK YOU HEATH!" screamed Lucius in the audience.

"OH MY GOD! THE PANSY-BOY'S IN THE CROWD!" yelled Heath. "HYPERION! ATTACK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Lucius, as he was chased around the studio by Heaths mad and somewhat rabid wyvern.

"NOTICE HOW I DIDN'T COMMAND HIM TO KILL YOU OUT OF RESPECT TOWARD YOUR PERSONAL APPEARENCES!" called Heath after them. "Anyway, while we're on that…THE SAME THING WITH VAIDA!"

_Long, long ago…in a galaxy far, far away…_

"NO! NO NO NO! NOT THAT ONE!" said Heath. "I mean, yes, we know that she has the female torso with an army-man's head and a scar that would make even Harry Potter jealous, but come on! She saved my life! So _you _owe her a thank you for saving this oh-so-yummy bod ladies!"

Cricket chirps from the crowd.

"I don't need you sound effects!" yelled Heath. "So anyway, if you see someone who commits any of the said crimes…you must burn them!"

Silence.

"BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!" said Heath.

Silence.

"Little enthusiasm please!" said Heath.

Silence.

"Look, I'm trying to start an angry mob here!" yelled Heath. "Are you chowderheads in, or am I going to have to force you?"

Silence.

"FINE! That's it!" said Heath. "STAGE MANAGER! Pull down the hypno-screen!"

With that, a huge screen with a little whirly spiral on it came down, and soon, the audience easily found themselves in a trance, and were slumping all over the place, drooling slightly.

"Okay, now repeat after me," said Heath to the audience. "'I will kill the infidels'."

"I…will kill…the infidels…" muttered the people in the audience.

"'I will respect personal appearances'."

"I…will respect…personal…appearances…"

"'I won't draw Lucius in a dress, unless it's a pretty one."

"I won't…draw…Lucius…in a…dress…unless it's…a…pretty one…"

"'Heath has a smexy chest'."

"Heath…has a…smexy…chest…"

---ooo---

"Alright Jaffar…" said Shri the tactician, handing holding out some sort of fill in paper and a normal, yellow #2 pencil to Jafar, who was just kind of sitting there staring. "Upon realization that we'll take in pretty much anyone who we come up and talk to, I decided that I'm going to need a little bit on everyone's background. So if you could just fill out this form."

"…"

"There they are again…" said Shri.

"…"

"The three little dots…"

"…"

"Sometimes four."

"…"

"From now on, that is your nickname," said Shri. "I know 'Angel of Death' sounds a lot cooler, but from now on, you're 'The Triple Dot'. Sure, I know it's tough, but we were considering calling you 'Puff-Ball Junior The Happy Hamster Man' (or at least I was), so you'll just have to deal, okay?"

"…"

"YO MAMA WAS A PATRON OF THE FINE ARTS, AND YO DADDY WAS A WELL-RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY!"

"…"

"Just fill out the paper," said Shri, slapping it onto his forehead, and walking away, dropping the pencil next to him. There was absolutlely no movement on Jaffar's part for a moment. He just sat there, suddenly overcome with a very large problem.

He didn't know how to read or write.

_Plan A_

"Sorry, I don't know either," said Nino, not completely sure what to do with hers either, as Jaffar held the background sheet out. "I don't know who to ask for help…"

"I'LL HELP! DON'T WORRY NINO!"

"NO! PICK ME! PICK ME!"

"YOUR SO CUTE! I'LL HELP!"

"KYA! KYA! KYA!"

_Plan B_

"I'm sorry…I'm much too busy thinking of angsty things I can say to you during our support conversation…" said Legault.

_Plan C_

"Sorry, I only help girls!" said Sain. "HOT GIRLS!"

_Modified Plan C_

"No, you are so _not _a girl," said Sain. "And you sure as heck ain't a hot one! BEAT IT! HERE COMES LYNDIS!"

_Plan D_

"When my head is amputated and replaced with a block of American Cheese!" said Hector.

_Plan E_

"Sorry, didn't catch that…" said Barte, taking a huge bite out of his paper.

_Okay, we're really getting desperate…_

"Er…ah…um…well…you see…I…well…ah…" said Florina.

_Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy desperate…_

"…" said Rath.

_Okay, we've officially hit rock bottom_

"I'll do it for a twenty!" said Farina. Jaffar just sort of stared at her for a minute, then eventually reached back into his pocket, fishing around various blood-stained killing instruments until he pulled out a bill. However, he wasn't terribly good with numbers either, so he accidentally handed Farina over a one hundred dollar bill.

"I like you kid," she said, ripping the paper out of his hand. "Now then, name?"

"…"

"I can ask an easier question if you want me too," said Farina.

"…Jaffar," he muttered.

"Jaf…far…" said Farina to herself, writing it down. "Alright, age?"

"…"

"I here you pall, I'll just leave it blank," said Farina. "Okay then, previous occupation before joining group?"

"…I killed things."

"Haven't we all?" said Farina, writing it down on the line. "Now then, any history of insanity in the family?"

"…"

"I know how you feel," said Farina, scribbling on the paper a little. "Now then, last but not least… who is the person who had the greatest influence over the artistic world during the Post World War II era?"

"…Dali, with his pioneering of surrealism, using expressions of dreamlike, almost hallucination-like imagery that expressed the confusion that general society faced after nearly being conquered by an oppressive fascist dictatorship, which technically none of us should know considering our dimension is completely different from the one of the player," said Jaffar dully.

"I protest!" said Canas, walking up to the two. "While I respect Dali as being one of the great geniuses of the 20th century artistic era, may I point out that Surrealism was derived from dadism, founded by Duchamp, which helped pioneer the slow breaking from more rational, impressionistic art styles!"

"…not true," said Jaffar. "While Dadism was probably the base of surrealism, dadism had a tendency to have very little point to it, a mere rebellion toward traditional views of art, while surrealisms reflected the psychoanalytical struggles of modern man during a time of rapid, sometimes mind bogglingly frightened change, and thus is the true focal point of the lost generation!"

"Dadism was the first step away from traditional artistic methods, and without it, the art world couldn't comprehend the hopelessness of the era, because dadism's entire point was to struggle away from traditional art values in such an extreme measure by creating a sense that nothing in life really matters, so art shouldn't matter as well! This reflected both the massive amount of depression suffered by those in realization that it's possible for World Wars to continue, but it also paved the way for similar artistic methods!" said Canas.

"Your both wrong idiots!" yelled Farina. "It was Picasso, with his pioneering of Cubism, an appreciation of both the surreal aspects of human nature, and the underlining beauty of the existence that we all share as human beings! His work is both toward appreciation of everything, as well as the appreciation of the senseless nothing that surrounds it!"

"YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE HUSTLER?" yelled Canas.

"WE ARE OUTSIDE THREE-EYES!" yelled Farina.

"…I'll kill you both…" said Jaffar.

"BRING IT ON DISNEY-BOY!" yelled both Canas and Farina.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" screamed the rest of the crowd, who was gathering in a circle around the three as-

---ooo---

"We wish to apologize for that severe lack of in-character writing of the previous skit," said Pricilla, standing in a random recording studio. "It was naughty and bad, and we swear we'll never do it again, we promise. Now then, I will now blow up a squirrel."

---ooo---

_And now, it's time for rejected death statements_

**Serra:**

"ERK, YOU IDIOT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

"You know…in hindsight…I probably should have spent a little more time enjoying the little things in life than spending at least three hours every morning to get my hair just right…"

"Stupid low magic stat…"

"YOU JERKS BETTER BE CRYING LONG AND HARD AT MY FUNERAL!"

"OH MY GOD! This is worse then that one time I went down to the market to pick up some more high-quality shampoo, and I had a 'Buy one, get one free' coupon scroll, and I was just about to check out when-" (dies)

---ooo---

"-poor Heath, who was always so skinny and clumsy, and had a bizarre taste in hair colors, could never win the love of Legault, who's hair was pink, and had a somewhat more attractive scar than Vaida's-"

"Hector, what are you doing?" asked Eliwood, walking into the room, while Hector was reading one of the fanfic scrolls in Canas's book pile.

"NOTHING!" yelled Hector, rolling up the scroll frantically, panting as he did, and quickly throwing it into the fire, sacrificing the sure-fire juicy ending for his dignity.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"You remind me of a man," said Hector.

"Uh…" said Eliwood.

"You remind me of a man," Hector repeated.

"Excuse me?" said Eliwood.

"You remind me of a man!" Hector said again.

"Uh…huh…" said Eliwood. "And who might this…man be?"

"The man with the power!" said Hector.

"Hector, you know this is sounding increasingly dirty as it goes on, right?" said Eliwood.

"The man with the power!" said Hector.

"Hector, are you sick or something?" asked Eliwood.

"THE MAN WITH THE POWER!" yelled Hector.

"Hector, I _heard _you!" yelled Eliwood. "Cripes, have you been messing around with Sain's 'special potions' again?"

"You're not doing it right Eliwood!" said Hector.

"That's it, I'm leaving," said Eliwood.

"NO! NOT THAT!" said Hector, frantically. "You're supposed to ask me what the power is!"

"I don't _want _to know what the power is!" said Eliwood.

"Can I just say it?" asked Hector.

"NO!" said Eliwood.

"Please?" asked Hector.

"NO!" said Eliwood.

"Hoodoo," said Hector.

"What?" asked Eliwood.

"Hoodoo!" said Hector again.

"_What_?" asked Eliwood.

"YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" said Hector.

"Doing what again?" asked Eliwood.

"Not saying it right!" said Hector.

"What are you talking about?" asked Eliwood.

"You're supposed to ask 'Hoodoo?' you jerky cad!" yelled Hector.

"…fine. 'Hoodoo'?" asked Eliwood.

"YOU DO!" said Hector.

"…that's it. I really am leaving now Hector," said Eliwood.

"NO! No! You're supposed to ask-" Hector started.

"'Do what?'" asked Eliwood. "Oh, then you say 'You remind me of a man', and this wonderful process starts all over again! MY GOD! That is the worst pick-up line ever Hector! Have you been hanging out with Sain again?"

---ooo---

"Hey, baby baby!" said Sain with his usually devilish smile on, as Lucius walked by. "Did it hurt…when you feel down from-"

"HYPERION! KILL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Sain at the top of his lungs, running away as Heath's mad wyvern came out of nowhere and began chasing him down like the piece of meat that he was.

"I'm here for you, man!" said Heath, walking by, with a whole stack of 'Heath/Legault' fanfiction scrolls that he intended to burn.

"Uh…" said Lucius awkwardly.

---ooo---

"IT'S NOT A PICKUP LINE!" yelled Hector angrily. "It's a joke! A JOKE! Is it so wrong just to hear a good joke and expect to be able to tell it to a friend?"

"IT IS IF IT SOUNDS LIKE A PICKUP LINE!" yelled Eliwood.

"IT'S NOT A SMEGGIN' PICKUP LINE!" yelled Hector. "JUST BECAUE YOU DON'T _KNOW _ANY GOOD JOKES-"

"I DO _SO_ KNOW GOOD JOKES!" yelled Eliwood. "Like that one with the lady and the doctor on the bench? THAT was hilarious!"

"It was dirty!" yelled Hector.

"It was still hilarious!" yelled Eliwood.

"Dadism had the greatest influence over the post World War II era you red-head git!" yelled Hector.

"NO, it was SURREALISM you pompous blunette!" yelled Eliwood.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" yelled everyone, crowding into the tent, just as Jaffar, Farina, and Canas all ran in and just began randomly beating each other up, including Hector and Eliwood, who obeyed the chanting crowd around them.

---ooo---

"Well kiddies, that's all the time we have for today's 'HEADBUTT'!" said Vaida, sitting in a chair, and closing a great big storybook that had 'HEADBUTT' written on it in huge, shiny silver letters. "Now, all you better come back and read this next time…OR I'LL FEED YOUR HEADS TO MY WYRVEN! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

She chucked the book into the mouth of her hungry wyvern, who had a 'I Break For NO ONE!' tail/bumper sticker, while she cackled maniacally.

"And remember," she said, pointing to the audience threateningly. "I'M NOT A MAN!"

"You tell him sister!" said Heath, roasting marshmallows over burning fanfiction scrolls.


	2. Issues Co

Wow, I'm so happy that I had so many wonderful reviews (I wasn't expecting much)! Thank you all so much! You guys rock! Even though the last chapter was completely and utterly insane, causing me to even look back and wonder what I was thinking.

Not that this chapter is any better. But now we've got 'The Sacred Stones' finally thrown into the mix. Oh, and it's much longer. Hope you like it

Okay, here we go, installment two!

_In a time of darkness and despair, as the shadow of the Deamon King slowly begins to lengthen on the horizon, as the sun begins to set for possibly the last time over the grounds of darkling woods, our story begins…a tale of chivalry, of bravery…of self help…_

_Well, actually, it's just a load of random trash_

---ooo---

"Alright…ANTE ME UP BOYS!" said Natasha, sitting around a poker table with a elder bael, a gargoyle, and a random zombie. She tossed a couple gold coins in the pot, and reluctantly, the monsters began rustling around in their coin purses and such to toss a few coins into the pot.

"Reet reeta reet?" asked the elder bael, poking Natasha with one of it's legs.

"Alright, alright," said Natasha, turning to the rest of the gang. "Jeffrey's going all-in!"

All the other monsters snarled to themselves, the gargoyle and zombie giving each other a 'we got him' look.

"Hey, you haven't got your hands yet, so shut up!" said Natasha, dealing the cards. "Okay, I'm feeling in the mood for one-eyed jacks this round so-"

FWAP!

The front flap to the tent was thrown open, showing the dark and twitching silhouette of Joshua, who had a defeated look on his face, as well as the fact that he was stripped down to his boxers. With that, he fell awkwardly into the dirt.

"Rowl rowl," said the Zombie.

"Hang on Mark," said Natasha, turning to Joshua. "Uh…Joshua? You've been out gambling again haven't you?"

"No I haven't," said Joshua.

"How come you've been stripped to your boxers?" asked Natasha.

"I went out like this," said Joshua.

Silence.

"You have a problem," said Natasha.

"DO NOT!" said Joshua.

"Look Joshy," said Natasha. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times…I'M NOT MARRYING YOU UNTIL YOU STOP GAMBLING LIKE AN ADDICT!"

"I'm not an addict!" said Joshua angrily. "I can quit whenever I want to! Just Like I can quit shaving my legs when I want to!"

"You need help. Badly," said Natasha.

"WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND THE WHOLE THING WITH THE BATMAN OUTFIT?" Joshua asked angrily, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"I HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN WEEKS!" yelled Natasha. "That's it Joshua, you're going to see someone. _Now_."

"HA!" said Joshua. "Too bad, because you can't make me!"

With that, Natasha snapped her fingers. Then, like magic, Joshua disappeared.

---ooo---

"Okay, I suppose you can…" said Joshua awkwardly, outside of a huge, glass-windowed skyscraper in downtown Philadelphia Pennsylvania that had the sign 'Issues Co.' written at the top in huge, flashing red letters. "Well, you can't make me actually go inside!"

Poof!

"Okay, I suppose you can do that too," said Joshua, standing in the lobby room, that was lined with a nice carpet and comfy-looking chairs, a small, sparkling water fountain in the middle with a few coins tossed into it as soft, calming, light-rock music filled his ears. "Well, you can't make me put on clothes!"

Poof!

"Clerical magic is just plain spooky," said Joshua, suddenly in his normal outfit, as he shook his head to himself and walked up to the front desk made of white marble that didn't appear to have anyone at the desk for the moment. He glanced for a minute at the bell on the desk that had a 'ring me' arrow pointing to it, then, well, he rang it.

There was a brief silence.

Suddenly…something slowly started to appear from behind the desk, which turned out to be…a sock. However, as it exposed itself a little more, a pair of button eyes and a sewn on 'x' for a nose became apparent, giving away that this was, in actuality, a sock puppet.

The sock puppet stared, timidly shaking a little, at Joshua.

"Um…hello…" Joshua said to the sock puppet, as it quickly darted under the desk. "No! I…I wanted to talk to you for…"

The sock puppet timidly stuck its head over the desk, still shaking, but a little harder this time.

"Yes…um, I'm here…because-" Joshua started.

"Me Jojo," said the sock puppet.

"Hello…Jojo…" Joshua said, almost at a loss for words.

"JOJO WUV YOU!" screamed the sock puppet, suddenly darting up from the desk and thrusting it's lips into Joshua's cheek, nearly causing him to fall over.

"FORDE! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" screamed Kyle angrily to the sock puppet.

"NOTHING!" the blonde cavalier yelled, getting up from behind the desk to reveal that he was the puppet master.

"GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!" yelled Kyle, giving him a sharp kick in the behind, causing Forde to shriek and scamper away from the front desk as fast as his legs could carry him. "AND IF I EVER SEE THAT SOCK AGAIN, IT GOES THROUGH THE SHREDDER LIKE THE OTHERS! I'm so sorry, Forde's new, and he's also clinically insane, so if he did ANYTHING to make you upset, I'll hunt him down and gut him like a-"

"No…it's okay…" said Joshua. "I'm just here for the-"

"Of course, the treatment!" said Kyle, whipping out a tape measurer, and throwing it around Joshua's waist, squeezing it tight, causing Joshua to squeak in discomfort and confusion. "Okay…twenty four inches…good, good…"

"Um…" said Joshua.

"PLAY THIS HANDHELD!" yelled Kyle, chucking a handheld 'Packman' game at Joshua, who just barely caught it in his hand, and tried to get a firm handle on it, just when Blinky ate Packman.

"Wait, hang o-" Joshua started.

"CLOCK'S TICKING!" yelled Kyle angrily.

"But I don't-" Joshua started.

"TIME'S UP!" yelled Kyle, snatching the game out of Joshua's hands, looking at the screen just as Packman got eaten again. "WHAT? ONE HUNDRED AND TEN POINTS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IS THIS THE BEST YOU CAN DO YOU CAN DO YOU OOZING, CRASS, GROSTESQUE, INSIGNIFICANT, DENSE LITTLE FAT HEAD? I SPIT ON YOU! I SPIT ON EVERY AVAILABLE INCH OF EXPOSED SKIN ON YOU! MAY YOU GET HIT BY A BUS AT A SOCIALLY INCONVINIENT TIME, AND MAY YOUR CHILDREN FOREVER BE CALLED 'ALICE'!"

"WHAT?" asked Joshua.

"That's it! Enough of your foolishness!" said Kyle, clapping his hands, as a bunch of random foot soldiers came out of nowhere dragging a huge pot of scalding water under a fire on a transport cart. "Into the cooking pot! This minute!"

"How the heck will this help with anything?" asked Joshua in a livid tone.

"What?" asked Kyle.

"How is this supposed to help me?" said Joshua irritably, indicating the pot of water. "Is this another one of those stupid 'Atkins' things?"

"Oh! I see! You must be here for the _gambling_ addiction!" said Kyle, waving away the cooking pot, as the foot soldiers who wheeled it in looked rather sad. "I thought you were the one who was here for the customer abuse, Packman, and cannibalism package."

"I'm not a gambling addict!" said Joshua.

"Sure you aren't sparky," said Kyle, sitting down once again in his swivel chair behind the front desk. "Okay, to get to the gambling addiction room, you're going to have to go down the right hallway, take a right, take a left, take a right, take another left, take another left, and it's your second door on your right."

"Thank you-" Joshua said.

"-and after you reach that point, you have to turn around," continued Kyle. "Go back down the hallway you came from, keep going, count to ten four times very slowly, turn right, then take the stairs. Take a lot of flights, and it's the very first thing you'll see on the thirtieth floor."

"Thank-"

"I'm talking of course, about the water fountain," said Kyle, as Joshua sighed. "Take a nice long drink, then go right as far as you can, then go left…then go as far as you can, jump out the window, and land on the fire escape. Walk as far as you can down the fire escape, then climb through the window right bellow you."

"Uh…thank you…" said Joshua, turning around, and beginning the long walk to the room for people who are gambling addicts.

"Oh…wait…is that the way to the ladies' room?" thought Kyle out loud to himself. "Ah, well, no worries. I don't think it really matters."

"Hey, I'm here for the customer abuse/Packman/cannibalism package," said Epharium, walking in.

---ooo---

"Alright everyone!" said Colm, behind a huge podium in one of the rooms of 'Issues Co.' with a huge banner labeled GTWASATM. "Welcome once again to another productive meating of the Guild of Thieves Who Are Secure About Their Masculenity! Roll call! Rennac!"

"Here," said Rennac dully, eyes darting around, knowing that, soon, L'archel was going to pop out of nowhere and whisk him back into her service.

"Legault!" said Colm.

"Present," said Legault absentmindedly.

"Good! And I, Colm, am obviously here as well!" said Colm, giving them a 'Peace Man' sign. "Now men! Today, were are going to, once again, revel in our pride of being a member of the glorious male race in our ongoing celebration of brotherhood! So I'm thinking of a friendly fist-fight, followed by some good old fashioned soccer matches, partnered with king-sized wings and burgers, finishing off with some 'Grand Theft Auto: Little Rock'!"

"YEAH!" said Legault.

"Sounds good to me!" said Rennac.

"Ow…stupid…safety latch…" said Joshua, struggling to climb into the room from the fire escape, managing to get one leg over the window pane before losing his balance and falling into the room face-first.

"Ah! You must be our new member!" said Colm, as Joshua slowly stumbled to his feet. "Welcome to Gut…wa…sa…tim…"

"Oh yeah, that _really _rolls of the tongue," said Joshua, brushing himself off, vaugly looking at the sign. "What is this? A meeting of the guild of people who can't think up good club names?"

"Shut up!" said Colm. "It's that negative, nasty, condescending attitude that creates the need for this guild anyway! If people like you could just accept us for the way we are…THEN WE'D LIVE IN A BETTER WORLD!"

The other two began clapping at the inspiration.

"For instance!" Colm said, striking a noble pose. "I don't care that people snicker at me for having multiple body piercings and a blue ponytail! I know that I am NOT a girly boy, and no one can tell me differently, NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY!"

"ALRIGHT COLM!" said Rennac, still clapping.

"WE HEAR YOU MAN!" cheered Legault.

"And what about Rennac?" said Colm, extending an arm to his comrade in the ongoing war for masculinity.

"Same thing with me!" said Rennac, getting up out of his chair. "I wear what looks like a combination of a headband and a tiara with little sparkly jewels all over it…BUT I DON'T CARE! One day, you will all learn to respect Rennac the mercenary WHO ISN'T IN THE SERVICE OF A BATHROOM-TILE GREEN HAIRED PRINCESS!"

"That's the spirit man!" said Colm, giving him a friendly slap on the back.

"And me too!" said Legault. "I mean, I have pink hair and quite possibly the worst pseudo-love confession 'A' support conversation ever, BUT LIKE HECK DO I CARE! I'll kick your butt any time I want to."

"ALRIGHT LEGAULT!" cheered Colm and Rennac, as they all got out of their chairs and gave each other friendly belly slams while cheering wildly.

"Okay…this isn't the gambling addiction room, so I'll just leave-" said Joshua awkwardly, heading for the door.

"WAIT!" said Colm, waving his arm. "Don't you want to stay here and feel masculine with us? I mean, no offense man, but you look like a guy who get's made fun off a LOT."

"…what are you talking about?" asked Joshua.

"Look in the mirror man!" said Rennac. "You look like a combination of Chi from 'Chobits', a broom, and the Little Mermaid!"

"Shut up!" said Joshua. "You shouldn't judge people purely on personal appearances!"

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" said Heath, sticking his head in the window, then disappearing.

"Uh…whatever," said Colm. "Anyway, if you want to get to the gambling addict room, it's…magic, so you're going to have to follow a very specific ritual to get there."

"What kind of ritual are we talking about?" asked Joshua.

"You have to roll your pants down to your ankles and hop to it," said Rennac, the other two exploding into barely contained laughter the instant he thought it up/said it.

"…you're a bunch of bloody liars," said Joshua.

"Look, do you want to find the room or not?" asked Colm.

"Yes, and I'll do it with my pants ON, thank you," said Joshua flatly.

"Then you won't find it," said Legault.

"Yes I will," said Joshua.

"No you won't," said Rennac.

"Yes I will," said Joshua.

"No you won't," said Colm.

"Yes I will," said Joshua.

---ooo---

"Can't believe he fell for it," chuckled Colm, as Joshua hopped down the hallway with his pants rolled down to his ankles, exposing bright yellow boxers covered in red hearts.

"He's got nice legs…" said Legault.

"RENNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC!"

"SHE FOUND ME!" screamed Rennac in a high-pitched voice, running full speed toward the window, and jumping out of it, his scream echoing all the way down the building.

---ooo---

"Stupid…pants…always…tripping…on…" Joshua huffed angrily, as he continued to hop down the hallway. "'Magic Door'. I'm such an idiot. Just because nothing makes sense, I automatically assume-"

Suddenly, on one of doors had a swirling mass of fog-like magical stuff suddenly fuzz into perspective. It turned into the shave of a large rectangle, and as this magical item materialized, it revealed itself to be…a sign.

**Gambling Addiction Correction**

"What do you know…those fem-boys were right," said Joshua, pulling open the door and beginning an awkward hop-skip into the room. However, the writing on the sign slowly dissolved into a puddle of smoke, and it slowly began to reform itself on it.

**Well, actually, no. It's a fate worse than death.**

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" said Serra, waving to everyone into the room, which consisted of Marisa, Rath, and Jaffar, all sitting in fold up chairs in front of her, doing nothing but stare at her. "Welcome to yet seminar for vocally challenged freaks like you!"

Absolute silence.

"I know that it's been almost a whole week, and we haven't even gotten past the 'quiet breathing' threshold," said Serra, with her usual maniacal smile, "so I bet your all going to break through the fear anytime soon! Have all of you practiced talking, like I asked you too?"

Silence.

"Funny…YOU DON'T NEED TO TALK TO SHAKE YOUR HEAD YES OR NO!" yelled Serra at the top of her lungs, causing barely a flinch from her patients. "Now try again…did you practice or-"

"I'm here…" said Joshua awkwardly, hopping into the room. Everyone stared at him and his pants-less legs (especially Marisa).

Silence

"NOW THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD LOOK UP TO!" said Serra, pointing at Joshua. "He said TWO COMPLETE WORDS! I can't get you, ANY OF YOU, to even say 'hi'!"

"Huh?" said Joshua.

"BRAVO! BREAKTHROUGH! BREAKTHROUGH!" said Serra, clapping wildly.

"But-"

"Now now, sit sit sit!" said Serra, sneaking up behind Joshua and shoving him into a vacant fold-up chair, nearly tripping him several times because of his pants. "Okay, today we're going to try something a little different…NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT! I'm going to play some really bad pop music, and if you want it to stop, all you have to say is 'stop'! Okay?"

"Sure," said Joshua, as no one else spoke.

"STOP TALKING! YOU'LL DEPRESS EVERYONE ELSE AND HINDER THEIR PROGRESS!" said Serra, slamming a pointer finger into the play button of a boom box, as very bad pop music from the group 'Talentless Blonde People' (Mediocre Records). "Okay…now come one…say 'stop'…"

"STOP!" screamed Joshua, covering his ears in pain, as the other three twitched mildly, but still remained relatively unmoved.

"NOT YOU!" screamed Serra, turning up the volume.

"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" screamed Joshua, covering his ears harder.

"I SAID LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK! NAMELY ME!" said Serra, turning up the volume even more.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Joshua, falling out of his chair in pain, as the other three just gave him weird looks.

"THAT'S IT! THAT ATTIDUDE'S BEGGIN' FOR _MAX VOLUME_!" said Serra, about to push the 'deafen' button when-

SsssssssTHUNKukukukuk…

One of Rath's arrows shot out of nowhere and skewered the boombox into the wall, wobbling a little as it stuck out of it. Rath held his shooting position, and the other two clapped quietly.

"No! Bad Rath! Bad!" said Serra, banging him on the head with her healing stick. "Just for that, you don't get a piece of positive reinforcement cake this session!"

Rath hung his head sadly.

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT!" said Serra, as Joshua still lay, panting heavily and wildly twitching on the floor. "Okay, new idea. Considering that all of you have 'Dark Pasts' or some other such nonsense like that, we're going to try to make you come to terms with it so that maybe you'll start talking! So basically…"

She pulled out the 'relieve unhappy childhood memories' stave.

"HAVE FUN COMING TO TERMS WITH YOUR DARK SIDES!" she said, as all three people in the chair stared at her for a moment in pure fear, before their minds were consumed with terrible memories…

---ooo---

"No, you may NOT take ballet!" yelled Marisa's father angrily, holding up a huge, bloody sword, as a seven year old Marissa stared at him sadly with a ballet tutu by her side on a coat hanger. "You're going to be an arse-kicking sword lady with pink hair that doesn't talk, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!"

---ooo---

"No, you may NOT take ballet!" yelled Nergal, as a seven year old Jaffar stared at him sadly with a ballet tutu at his side on a coat hanger. "You're going to be a homicidal angel of death with no pupils that doesn't talk and wears a silly hoodie, AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!"

----ooo---

"Hello!" said a grey, bug eyed chinchilla to a seven year old Rath in the middle of the plains. "I'm Marcus, and I'm a certified cartoon chinchilla!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rath in pure horror.

---ooo---

"That's right! Come to terms with it!" said Serra, as all three were twitching madly while trying to come painful childhood memories. "Oh, I smell proooogreeeeess!"

"What the heck are you doing?" said Joshua, angrily pulling up his pants. "This isn't going to help them! You're just making them-"

"THAT'S IT!" said Serra, pulling out her wand. "I'VE HAD JUST ENOUGH OF YOUR PROGRESS-STOPING SMART MOUTH! Haven't you ever heard of 'taking one for the team'? You are so…so…SELFISH!"

"Um-" Marisa started through the tears.

"Shut up!" said Serra, cutting her off. "Alright, that's it! That kind of attitude screams 'throw me out the window'!"

"WHAT?" yelled Joshua, as Rath fell out of his chair, his body consumed by spasms of terror, as the other two were barely hanging on.

"Good point. You'll be stopped by the fire exit, making it very ineffective!" said Serra, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Yeeeeeeeeeers…I think slamming you through the floor will be _much _more progress-inducing!"

"WHAT?" yelled Joshua, but that was a second before he received a massive whack on the head by Serra's stave, sending him crashing through the floor onto the room bellow.

"THAT'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO HINDER PROGRESS YOU JERKY 'LITTLE MERMAID' REJECT!" yelled Serra through the hole in the floorboards, then turning to the rest of her group. "Right! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, how are you guys doing?"

All three of them stared at her with hallow eyes.

"You're welcome!" Serra sung.

That's when all three of them pulled out killing edges.

---ooo---

"Well Mr. Marcus, I think we've made some real progress today!" said Eirika sweetly, scribbling on her clipboard, as Marcus sat in a psychiatrist victim chair. "Do you feel a lot better?"

"Yes…I…I think so," said Marcus.

"So what have you learned in this seminar Marcus, not to be confused with an evil, certified, cartoon chinchilla?" asked Eirika.

"I learned that there are much better ways to compensate for terrible stat growth than by stealing everyone else's experience points," said Marcus calmly, almost with a relieved smile on his face.

"Wonderful! Wonderful Marcus!" said Eirika, getting up to shake Marcus's hand. "I hope that the next time I see you it'll be your-"

CRASH!

Joshua crashed through the ceiling, and landed hard on the flooring tile at Marcus and Eirika's feet.

"Oh dear…" said Eirika. "I wondered why no one signed up to be under Serra's room for three months…"

"Ow…my head…" said Joshua, stumbling to his feet. "That pink haired chick…is nuts…"

"Such…" said Marcus, his eyes widening.

"Uh…oh…" said Eirika.

"Lovely…you have such lovely EXP…" said Marcus, his face being twisted into a homicidal smile, creeping closer to Joshua, who was backing away in more of disgust than fear.

"Marcus! No!" said Eirika. "What have we talked about?"

"EXP!" yelled Marcus, getting ready to spring on Johsua.

"NO!" screamed Eirika, barely holding him back in a full-nelson. "RUN! GET OUT OF HERE! HE'S HAVING A SLIP BACK!"

"YOUR EXP SHALL BE MINE!" screamed Marcus, but Joshua followed his advice and darted out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him. He didn't even look behind him when Eirika's ear-splitting wail echoed through the hallway as her EXP was being sucked out like a giant sponge.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled Joshua, running in a random room and slamming behind the door behind him with enough force to send it off its hinges. "Okay…okay…regroup…gotta…"

"OH MY GOD! I HATE YOU SO MUCH YOU POMPUS, ARROGANT, PIG-LICKING LITTLE FRUIT FLY! I PRAY THE NEXT TIME I EVER SEE YOUR NAME, IT'LL BE ON EITHER A DEATH WARRANT OR AN OBITUARY!"

"What?" asked Joshua, whirling around to the direction of the insult, at which he saw our favorite purple-haired lady mage, Lute, yelling at what appeared to be her own reflection in a hand mirror. Across from her was Innes, doing what appeared to be the same.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL, DON'T YOU, YOU GREASY-HAIRED GIRLY BOY?" yelled Innes into the mirror. "I'VE SEEN HANDSOMER LUMPS OF DNA IN A LOW-RANKING GARBAGE DUMPS, AND I'VE SEEN MORE INTELLINGENT PIECES OF FILTH FLOATING AROUND IN A TOILET!"

"Uh…" said Joshua.

"WHAT?" both of them snapped at him angrily.

"Nothing, uh…" said Joshua. "This isn't…the Gambling Addiction Room, is it?"

"Oh no, no, no, this is Feelings of Superiority Correction-ISN'T THAT RIGHT YOU BLOODY FAT HEAD?" she yelled once again into the mirror.

"Oh…I see…" said Joshua. "Um…fantastic job."

"AT LEAST SOME GIT THINKS YOUR COOL, YOU SELF-CENTERED BRAT!" they both yelled into their respective mirrors.

"Neither of you would know where the Gambling Addiction room is, would you?" asked Joshua.

"Oh, it's right over there," said Innes absentmindedly, pointing to a door behind him. This door was somewhat see-through, with lights strung inside it that were turned on, making it look like the door was shining. Written on it in big, neon letters was 'GAMBLING ADDICTION CORRECTION ROOM (really, honestly, we're serious this time)'.

"Oh, thank you," said Joshua, as really dramatic music began playing in the background, as a long path up to the door was suddenly lit up by more of the pretty lights, and a fog machine somewhere was kicked into gear, creating a curtain of smoke that crept across the floor, making it look like Joshua was walking on a cloud to the door, as Lute and Innes continued to insult themselves behind him. The dramatic music reached its climax, as slowly…ever so slowly…Joshua opened the door.

"CLOSE THE DOOR!" screamed someone in the room, revealing that the room itself was completely dark.

"Um, o-" Joshua started.

"I SAID CLOSE IT!"

"ALRIGHT!" yelled Joshua frantically, slamming the door behind him, immersing the room into total darkness. There appeared to be no other source of light in the room, not even a window.

"So…YOU WANNA MAKE THE GAMBLING ADDICTION GO BYE-BYE?" said the voice.

"Yes…actually," said Joshua, not being brave enough to let go of the doorknob for fear he would be completely lost in the dark. "Um, shouldn't we turn on a light in her or s-"

"NO! IT WOULD INTERFERE WITH THE AURA!" yelled the voice. "So you want to get rid of the addiction…WHAT WILL YOU DO TO ACCOMPLISH THIS?"

"Preferably something that I can actually see…" said Joshua.

"SHUT UP!" yelled the voice. "Changing your life comes at a price Joshua, six foot nuthin', wearing grey pants, a black coat, black size twelve shoes, and a silly hat!"

"How do you know that?" asked Joshua.

"I know all…for I have become one…with the power…" said the voice.

"Look, I don't want to become one with _anything _I can't see," said Joshua.

"Then you will never overcome!" screamed the voice. "I HAVE OVERCAME BECAUSE I ACCEPTED THE POWER! I AM STRONGER! I AM IN-VINC-A-BLE!"

"That's great…I'm not doing it," said Joshua.

"SHUT UP!" yelled the voice. "YOU MUST SUCCUMB TO THE MASSIVE POWER IN ORDER TO DEFEAT YOURSELF! YOU MUST SUBMIT! I COMMAND YOU! **SUBMIT!**"

Joshua then clicked on the lights, to reveal Forde in some sort of berserk Yoga position in a pink leotard, holding a pogostick in one hand, his sock puppet in the other, balancing on his desk on one leg about three feet from Joshua's face.

Silence.

"JOJO LOVE YOU!" said Forde, stuffing the sock puppets face in Joshua's cheek again.

"THERE YOU ARE!" yelled Kyle, slamming open the door, nearly throwing Joshua over, holding a net in one hand, and a hypodermic needle in the other. "Alright, you had your warning! TIME FOR YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

"ACH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Forde, springing off his desk, using Joshua's head as a spring, back flipping over Kyle's, and landing in a ninja position on the ground, running away screaming with Kyle hot on his tail.

---ooo---

"You know, I wondered why I was paid five dollars to walk on this street with this sign on his neck," asked Canas to himself, with a sign around his neck that had 'Random Innocent Bystander' written on it.

"EXP!" screamed Marcus out of nowhere.

"Well, I wasn't really sure what I learned that day about gambling addiction and how to handle it," said Joshua to the audience, as he walked down the road, as Jaffar and Marisa were supporting a sobbing Rath in the middle of them. "However, one thing is for sure, after that experience, I don't want to gamble any time soon for fear that Natasha will send me back here or anything that's like here, so in a way…perhaps it has been corrected…oh, I'm sorry, am I narrating in the first person again? Terribly sorry…terribly sorry indeed."

"That being said, it's time for us to say good night!" said Rebecca, sitting in the same chair Vaida sat last chapter, except that it was in the middle of traffic somewhere on route 46, holding the 'HEADBUTT' story book as she closed it, as Canas ran away screaming behind her on the sidewalk. "Good night to all of you, and-"

"EXP!" screamed Marcus, popping up from behind Rebecca's chair. Rebecca whipped out her bow, and was about to pop his head like a balloon when.

"HI-YAH!" screamed Natasha, slaming a spiked heal boot into Marcus's head from a diving areal kick, wearing a skin-tight batman costume and a mask.

"WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU BATMAN!" said a police officer, popping out of a manhole cover (or personhole cover if you aren't one of those politically incorrect gits).

"THANK YOU!" said Natasha, holding out her cape and running away full speed. "TO THE BAT MOBILE! NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER BAT-MAN! NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER NER-"


	3. Healers Gone Wild

Wow! We've already made it to instalment three! As usual, I have nothing but the kindness of the reviewers to thank for me keeping this stuff on the site!

This chapter once again offers some of my somewhat greater-than-average violent tendencies in writing, as well as my disturbing taste in poetry. Also, I had a very large internal debate on whether or not I wanted to bring in the 'NNP's (heh heh), and as usual, Heath is solely responsible for attempting to shove this fic over the K+ edge (just be thankful I didn't include his opinion on BL/GL FE fics…). To be honest though, I am actually okay with the NxJ coupling. But really though…it _is _the easiest couple to make fun of. So if you like that particular couple…please don't kill me…

---ooo---

Our story begins in a bright, sunny field, as the sun was at just the right angle to turn the sky into a vault of robin's egg blue, as a few white clouds swirled across the sky, like sails that sent their ships across the heaven. The wind caught the edges of the grass, sending the blades rushing upon each other, creating the image of a great, green ocean, the tides rushing in over the sparkling hills.

Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A nearby tree completely exploded, and burnt leaves, bark, and sticks were sent rocketing in every direction. Then, out of nowhere, a burnt-to-a-crisp squirrel landed on the ground with a dull 'thunk'. That's when Pricilla walked into the scene with a sadistic looking smile on her face, cackling evily at the sight of the squirrel, a stick of dynamite clutched in her hand.

Then, she saw the readers, and was then shocked into silence.

"You saw nothing…" she hissed, creeping out of the scene.

----ooo---

"Hello everyone!" said Anna, sitting on a stool in a recording room. "Today, we figured it's high time to drag a little culture into this mess! So today, I am going to read you an original poem, 'Healers, Please Stop Dying'!"

She cleared her throat, and began to read from a piece of paper she held.

_Healers, please stop dying.  
__A simple, pure request,  
__We know you can't use blades and spells  
__We know you try your best._

_You always run around us  
__Our sorry rears you heal  
__You get ten EXP a pop  
__How awful that must feel_

_If you're lucky, you get horses  
__But mostly on your feet  
__You string together all our troops  
__Being hacked like deli meat.  
__  
But we have to surround you  
__Or else some bandit comes  
__And butchers you to little bits  
__While giggling with his chums._

_We aren't saying you're an eyesore  
__But it's quite a pain you see  
__While you run 'round smakin' things with wands  
__We have to watch you constantly._

_Cause bandits could just pick fights  
__With the best troops on the maps  
__But between nothing and blades or spells  
__They always choose the saps._

_So we offer you a simple plead  
__It may not be enough,  
__But healers, please stop dying  
__Or at least learn how to kill stuff._

"Thank you, thank you," said Anna, as there was some polite clapping from the audience. You've been a wonderful audience, really you have…thank you…"

BAM!

"YOU WANT US TO KILL STUFF?" asked Serra, walking into the room wearing a leather jacket over her clerical outfit, black sunglasses, and a rail gun. "YOU GOT IT SISTER!"

"Holy Shrimp!" screamed Anna, as Natasha and Moulder followed her into the room. "IT'S CLERICS GONE WILD!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled Serra, blasting Anna with a plasma cannon, turning her into a smoldering crater on the floor. "That'll teach you to make fun of healers ya darn reappearing character!"

"Actually, I'm not dead," said Anna.

Serra shot the crater again with a fresh wave of plasma from the cannon.

"Not dead," said Anna.

"METAL BAT ATTACK!" yelled Natasha, whipping out a metal bat and beating the crater wildly with it, a homicidal laugh echoing throughout the studio as she did so.

"Still not dead," said Anna.

"DOUBLE METAL BAT ATTACK!" screamed Natasha and Moulder, whipping out a pair of metal bats and beating the crater with the fiery passion of beta fighter fishes on cold meds.

"You realize that this is a K+ fic, making it impossible for you to ever kill me, even if you wanted too…" said Anna.

"THEN WE SHALL DISTURB AND ANNOY ELSEWHERE!" yelled Serra.

_And so, the healers, angry at their inability to kill things until they change classes, are forced to resist their fate in the only way they possibly can…by destroying things. So the spree of the rogue healers erupted into a disastrous amount of street violence, and it soon overwhelmed the police, and had the entire FE community immersed in a state of fear…TREMENDOUS, PARALIZING FEAR!_

"Hey Dorcas," said Erk to Dorcas, getting in line behind him at a small coffee stand.

"Erk," said Dorcas.

Silence.

"Nice day," said Dorcas.

"Yeah…gonna be humid later though, I heard," said Erk.

"Uh huh…" said Dorcas.

Silence, partnered with a coffee sip on Dorcas's part.

"So uh…heard about the clerics?" said Erk.

"Uh huh," said Dorcas.

Silence.

"Kind of scary, huh?" said Dorcas.

"Guess so," said Erk.

_FEAR!_

_This fear escalates, for the clerics crimes against society slowly began to escalate in distrurbingness (assuming disturbingness is a word…). It started off easy to handle…not returning shopping carts to the proper location…listening to really loud music in the car and rolling the windows all the way down…harassing milkmen…the usual. However, their crime streak, overtime, became more sinister…_

"FEAR OUR OBSENE GRAFFITI!" screamed Moulder, as he and his cadre wrote 'Moose Poopy', 'Wee-wee', and other such phrases all over the blue-clothed hood of Merlinus's peddler's stand with various colored school chalk.

"OH! You classless, can't-kill-nothing-worth-smack healers!" yelled Merlinus angrily, as all of the cleric's barely looked up from your worth. "Get your filthy white-magical bottoms off of my cart!"

"Quiet fatso!" yelled Natasha. "Get your fat doesn't-do-anything-but-get-killed bottom out from under our white-magical bottoms!"

"It's only chalk anyway!" yelled Merlinus. "It's not like the stuff doesn't wash off!"

Silence suddenly reigned around the tent, as the clerics suddenly stopped right in mid-juvenile-chalk-phrase.

"Oh…buttercups…" said Serra.

"FEAR NOT!" said Moulder, reaching into his clerical robes, whipping out a box of crayons. "For I have the unholy power of…CRAYOLA!"

"That washes off too, stupid," said Merlinus.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Moulder. "FINE! You know what? FINE! I see we're going to have to pull out the SOAP-"

"_It…washes…off…_" said Merlinus darkly.

"THEN TO THE FIREY ABYSS WITH YOU!" yelled Moulder. "I see! You know what you're asking for? WASHABLE MARKERS! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Whatever," said Merlinus vaguely, as all the clerics shouted out great 'hurrahs' and 'heck yeahs'. "Vandalize to your hearts content, you dim-witted, divine-power obsessed butt-heads."

_Anyway, the clerics continued to reign supreme throughout the town, committing acts of extreme evil that, at the moment, the authoress doesn't want to write. However, for reasons we can't quite understand, as a result of this homicidal spree…public access soared…_

---ooo---

"I WUV YOU HYPERION!" said Heath in a very gushy voice, giving a very happy looking wyvern a tummy rub in just the right spot, because Hyperion's leg was vibrating violently, like a dog. "Ooooh, you just _wuv_ having your tum-tum wubbed, don't you? Yes you do! Yes you d-"

He turned to suddenly realize that he was in front of his audience, and they were all looking at him as if he had just said that he planed to slaughter everyone in the studio like pigs.

"IS IT SO _BEEP_ING WRONG FOR A MAN TO LOVE HIS WYVERN?" he yelled at the top of his lungs. "AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CLOSE YOUR MOUTHS, OR I'LL STUFF MY FIST INTO EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!"

"I don't think there's anything wrong with it Heath!"

"SHUT UP LUCIUS!" yelled Heath into the audience, Lucius specifically. "IF YOUR NOT GOING TO OBEY THE RESTRAINING ORDER, AT LEAST BE A LITTLE LESS OPEN ABOUT IT!"

_(Insert Happy Music Here)_

"Hello, welcome to another sexy, sorry, _informative _episode of 'Lets Improve Our Fandom'!" said Heath, sitting in his usual comfy chair, as Hyperion was growling threateningly behind him. "Today, we're going to continue to heal the abuse that we throw on our fellow characters…the ones I _like _anyway…"

"That's mean Heath!"

"WHAT DID I SAY LUCIUS?" yelled Heath. "Anyway, today we're going to look at the couple in the story where the most things go wrong (i.e. the easiest thing to make fun off), and it is…NINOXJAFFAR!"

Applause.

"As usual, the most popular couples SUFFER THE MOST!" yelled Heath. "And it's _probably _because a bunch of _idiots _just go around and WRITE STUPID NINOXJAFFAR STORIES BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO! So today we're going to abuse, IMPROVE, this particular couple."

More cheers.

"FIRST THING!" yelled Heath. "It is possible that this is an under aged romance. Let's not beat around the bush. Nino is a fourteen year old girl who looks twelve, okay? Seriously, we're you truly, madly in love with the guy you were going to MARRY at fourteen? I wasn't! Come to think of it…what was I doing when I was fourteen?"

---ooo---

"MOM! I'M GOING TO LOOK AT BADLY DRAWN FAN PICTURES OF SCANTILLY CLAD WOMEN MAKING OUT!" yelled Heath to another part of the small cottage that he lived in.

"Don't slack your jaw from drooling again!" yelled his mom.

---ooo---

"Oh yeaaaaaaah…those were good times…" said Heath, somehow managing to stop himself from drooling. "Uh…anyway, to quote the Shonen-ai fangirls, IF YOU DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ! Don't 'oh god, how is old is Jaffar anyway' and 'their cute, but doesn't this seem wrong' FER GAWD'S SAKE! Okay, NEXT!"

---ooo---

"But seriously, how old is he?" asked a random fanfiction reader in front of her computer.

"HYPERION! KILL!" yelled Heath, as Hyperion magically jumped through the computer screen and bit the girl's face off.

_A/N: To all fanfiction readers who want to kick Heath's sorry behind as much as the authoress does, fear not…his will come…_

---ooo---

"Okay, next!" yelled Heath. "THINK UP YOUR OWN BLOODY ANGSTY DIALOG, OKAY? STOP RIPPING OFF THE ORIGNAL STUFF OVER AND OVER! It was cute the first time around, yes some really sweet scenes occur, yes it's some of FE's best moments, and yes, I don't CARE if you use such scenes as REFERENCE, but when you copy these scene's dialog WORD-BY-GOD-SMEGGIN'-WORD, then it get's ANNOYING! OH-MY-SAINT-ELIMINE! DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE ON HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? IT MAKE'S ME SO ANNOYED THAT…THAT…"

For no reason in particular, he pulled out a huge lance from the seat cushion.

"-IF I HAVE TO READ 'MY LAST MISSION TOOK LONGER THAN EXPECTED' AND 'LOVELY WEATHER! THE PERFECT DAY FOR TAKING OUT EVIL DOERS! TOO BAD THAT BLAH, BLAH, BLAH' ONE MORE TIME," yelled Heath, that eye twitch everyone thought he got rid off coming back full-force. "I SWEAR…I'M JUST GONNA…"

He then chucked the huge lance (which conveniently turned out to be a javelin) into the audience.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MY ARM!"

"SERVES YOU RIGHT LUCIUS!" yelled Heath. "Well…YOU GET THE POINT! Oh my god…my vocal chords are going to give out from yelling…"

_A/N: Seriously, it's coming…_

He then twisted his body in some berserk yoga position for about four seconds, then managing to untwist himself, a slightly more content smile on his face.

"Mm…better…" he said with a half smile. "Anyway, last thing-MY GOD THIS BIT IS LONG-anyway…whew…"

He then reached in the couch-cushion again and pulled out a laptop, which he then began to type in like a madperson.

"Okay, I'm going to bring up a few NinoXJaffar fanfics on the search engine," said Heath. "Okay…post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, post game tragedy fic, during game extended dialog angsty fic, Nino abduction fic, during-game extended angst fic, high school fic, post game tragedy fic, post game tragedy fic, love confession fic…etc…"

He then shut the laptop.

"Okay boys and girls!" said Heath. "Seeing that page of the search engine, what do you think we should do? For those of you reading this at home, the answer is displayed in bold text on your screen. However, since we can't figure out a way to get upside down, we'd greatly appreciate it if you could use your imagination and imagine upside down, okay?"

**THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES**

_A/N…getting closer…_

"Bake an apple pie!" said someone in the audience.

"…no…" said Heath in a flat sort of frustration.

"Bake a _cherry _pie!" someone on the other side of the seats said.

"…I'll give you a hint," said Heath. "It does _not _involve baking."

"_Eating _a cherry pie!" said someone else.

"Or eating said baking products," said Heath.

**THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES**

"Pat your head and rub your belly at the same time!" said someone else.

"Play the flute!" some else said.

"Dress up as a Cornish Pixie!"

"Join the Army!"

"Dance on a table in a bar!"

"Wear a pretty dress!"

**THINK UP MORE ORIGINAL STORYLINES**

"Collect and obsessively watch British sitcoms!"

"Draw somewhat obscene phrases on tents with colored chalk!"

"Wear a _really _pretty dress!"

"I think I'm bleeding…"

_A/N It's so close, it's not funny…_

"Wear kilts and sing sea shanties!"

"Drink milk that's passed the expiration date!"

"Okay, okay, calm down," said Heath, in a frighteningly relaxed tone. "Now then…you get one last chance. If you get it right, I'll be very, very happy. Get it wrong, and I'll sick Hyperion on all of you. So if you want to be the lucky one, make _sure _you know the answer."

Someone raised their hand.

"Okay," said Heath. "Are you _sure _you know the answer?"

The poor soul nodded enthusiastically.

"_Positive_?" asked Heath.

Nod nod nod.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you the question again, just in case," said Heath. "After seeing a line of fics that consist either of love confession fics, during game extended dialog angsty fics, post game tragedy fics Nino abduction fics, and high school fics, _what should our fandom do?_"

Brief, tense silence.

"Write even more of them!" the poor soul said.

----ooo---

"Well, that's all the time we have today for 'Let's Improve Our Fandom!'," said Heath, smiling through the carnage that was splattering all over the floor, as well as the screams of the audience members as Hyperion was swooping over them, occasionally taking huge chunks of _the rest of the description of this scene has been deleted for the sake of the more sensitive viewing population. _"I hope you all learned a lot! Oh, by the way, word on the yard says that there have been a bunch of illegal 'Naughty Nino Plushies' circulating around, and I was wondering if anyone could point me in the general direction of a seller-"

"ATTOMIC WEDGIE!" screamed Moulder, running onto the stage, grabbing Heath firmly by the underwear and-

_A/N: There it is!_

---ooo---

**EXCERPTS FROM THE BATTLEFIELD**

"Says here that the clerics have just jumped up in their crime spree from vandalism to atomic wedgies and bad karaoke," said Lyn, reading through 'The Lycian Times' outside a random building.

---ooo---

"OOOOO-OH, WE'RE HALF-WAY THE-ERE," shrieked Serra into the microphone, as everyone at the karaoke club was covering their ears and screaming in pain. "OOOOOOO-OH, LIV-IN' ON A PRA-YER-"

---ooo---

"We seriously have to stop changing the scene whenever you feel like it," said Lyn to the narrator.

"LYN! STOP TALKING TO THE THIRD-PERSON OMNISISCIENT!" yelled Shri the tactician, walking up to her. "We've got good news. I was hanging out at that bar over there, doing what I usually do, downing a few drinks, palling around with the beer gang-"

"They were having their annual Tupperware Party, weren't they?" asked Lyn.

"…yes, shut up," said Shri. "Anyway, I was mulling over the whole 'build a hovercraft which will transport all of us over the really dark, scary sea that isn't nice or pretty or fun to take pictures of' plan to get to the Dread Isle, and then I realized three things."

"Which are?" asked Lyn.

"One, we lack the resources needed to build a magic hovercraft, considering jet engines are somewhat scarce in this area, and flying weasels don't exist," said Shri. "Two, to get such technology, it would take several years, and if we don't get to the Dread Isle in the next five days, I'll miss the new 'Desperate Housewives'. Three…supporting this plan kind of makes me look like a loony, don't you think?"

"…it's funny that all of those things are the exact things every single person in the army's been saying for the past few days," said Lyn.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Shri. "Anyway, I found the solution to our problems!"

"Does it involve any of us become part time striptease artists?" asked Lyn.

Silence.

"Well, I've got a plan B," said Shri.

"You know, it's almost upsetting that I was joking," said Lyn. "Okay, what's plan B?"

"We play a game of tag with the pirates, and if we make one wrong move, they'll swoop down on our pathetic little bodies and hack us all into little bits, dip them in cheese, and eat them in the traditional pirate manor!" said Shri.

Silence.

"It's almost a shame that you're a neutral party, so I'm not allowed to kill you," said Lyn.

"That being said, you are no more than little toys for my amusement!" said Shri, waving in pretty much all the other members of the party. "Now everyone, before we begin to play chicken with your sorry lives, we need to go over a few quick rules. ONE! No making out!"

Wil and Rath looked very sad.

"Oh come on, you can do whatever you want afterwards…provided you aren't dead…except you Rath, get out of here, you don't come 'til later!" said Shri, as Rath walked sadly away. "AND YOU! You're not in this game, so beat it!"

Pikachu looked at her sadly, and then walked off.

"TWO! For god's sake Sain, take a picture! It'll last longer!" yelled Shri, as Sain promptly stopped staring at Florina, as Kent kicked him in the shins.

"Three!" said Shri. "Get to as many houses as you can, and take as much stuff as you can!"

Mathew snickered.

"Three and a half!" said Shri. "Mathew, you are not allowed anywhere near the houses!"

Mathew frowned.

"Four!" said Shri. "DON'T MAKE THE PIRATES MAD! That includes getting too close, laughing at their terrible haircuts, and of course, ripping off your clothes, painting yourself purple, wearing a dead bird on you head-you people better be writing this down!-while screaming 'look at me, I'm wearing no clothes, you stink, and you should knock my block off!"

Everyone nodded.

"Five, if you meet some high-level character, drag him/her back here!" said Shri. "If it's a low-level loony, KILL IT WHERE IT STANDS! Though if he/she/it has any cool items or is hot, kindly drag him/her back here so we can strip him/her of his/her belongings, and cast him to a state of nothingness on the unit board."

Everyone nodded again.

"SIX!" said Shri. "If you _don't _get me anything from any of the villages…THEN I'LL MAKE YOU STAY IN THE MAIN GROUP UNTIL THE END!"

Everyone gasped in fright, and then quickly nodded.

"And seven, the most important of all," said Shri, holding up a large, fresh-baked, chocolate chip cookie, "this is _my _cookie, no if and or buts, and none of you are allowed to touch the cookie, look at the cookie, or even _smell _the cookie. RIGHT! Have fun fighting for your lives! AND WATCH OUT FOR THE HEALERS!"

---ooo---

"Ah! You must have come a very long way to get here," said a bald guy with a huge, bushy brown mustache in one of the houses that Hector walked into. "Here, are you interested in this-"

"You look very familiar…" said Hector.

"No I don't," said the man quickly. "Anyway-"

"Oh, I know!" said Hector. "You're that same guy who tipped Shri off that she should go to the Tupperware party and talk the pirates into getting us a ride across the sea."

"…yeah!" said the guy. "Yeah! I am! That very same guy! Good to see you Eliwood!"

"Hector," said Hector.

"THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!" said the man. "Eliwood is a…um, term of endearment!"

"No it's not," said Hector. "I looked it up in the baby book, and it translated to 'Dim-witted redhead that runs around with wussy-girl sword getting killed all the time' in old Gaelic!"

"_Don't be ridiculous it's a term of endearment…_" hissed the man angrily through his teeth that showed through a very forced smile.

"Hey…now that I think about it, aren't you the exact same guy I saw at the last house?" asked Hector.

"…no?" said the man.

"Yes you are!" said Hector.

"DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!" said the man. "WE AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF SOULESS CLONES WHO ARE MERE PUPPETS WITH NO SOULS OF OUR OWN, TRYING TO LURE YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY SO WE CAN BACK YOU INTO A CORNER AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOULS AND SELL THEM ON E-BAY! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL! OF COURSE NOT! _OF COOOOOURSE NOOOOOOOT_…"

"Uh…" said Hector.

"JUST TAKE THE LANCEREAVER!" yelled the old man, shoving the lancereaver in Hector's direction. "JUST TAKE IT AND GO! DON'T ASK ANY MORE QUESTIONS! THEY'LL HEAR YOU! THEY'RE WAAAAATCHIIIIIIIING UUUUUUS…BWA HA HA HA! BWA HA HA HA-"

---ooo---

"Hey Hector, why is that house on fire?" asked Eliwood, pointing to the house that Hector was just in.

"Oh…no reason," said Hector. "You know how some houses just sorta…go up in flames like magic?"

"AWESOME!" said Eliwood. "Serra and Erk got into a fight again?"

"…yes," said Hector.

"Cool!" said Eliwood, as the house collapsed into a huge pile of charred wood and soot. "Wish I was here to see it!"

"No…no you don't…" said Hector.

---ooo---

"Stupid tactician who makes Rath go away…hate her stupid guts…" said Wil to himself, as he wandered aimlessly into a village. "Okay…gotta find stuff…oooooh a rock! This'll be nice! And-OH! A stick! Okay, I can tie this rock to this stick, say that it's a really powerful magical item, shove in Shri's face-"

"Hello!" said Canas. "I was recently visiting the Annual Pirate Bladder-Bashing Rum-Fest and Tupperware Party, and I heard that a dim-witted tactician agreed to play 'Chase-the Pirate' with some of the most violent and bloodthirsty pirates in this particular power grid!"

"Look, if I want to listen to jabbering of a nerdy git when what I really need to do is get something done, I'll go back and finish middle school!" said Wil angrily. "Okay, now what to tie them together with. OF COURSE! This strange, burnt-up squirrel!"

"You see, I have recently become very fascinated with the behavior of tactically-challenged people who still want to play the game," said Canas. "I hope that one day, with tireless research and endurance, the horrible, cancer-like plight of tacticians who will throw under-leveled troops into battle just for the sheer thrill of watching them die will come to an end!"

"That's great Madame Currie," said Wil. "Okay, are you high-level?"

"Fairly," Canas said.

"Got any cool items?" asked Will.

"Yes!" said Canas. "I have a Secret Book right here!"

"Are you hot?"

"…er…"

"Whatever," said Wil. "Anything else?"

"I serve no purpose to the general storyline, and all of my conversation's are one sided and borderline sickeningly naive!" said Canas.

Wil then just glared at him, his eye twitching involuntarily.

"No one…is more pointless and naïve…then me…" he said, notching an arrow into his quiver.

---ooo---

"Must…resist urge…to beat up…little old lady…and steal her prunes…" said Mathew, his hand twitching as he watched a little old lady walk across the road with a shopping bag.

"Hey Mathew…" Wil said dully, walking back up to the thief from the village that he had just been in.

"Oi, Wil!" said Mathew. "Great timing! I needed someone to talk to so that I could keep my mind of robbing random people bli-nice shoes you got there-"

"DON'T YOU THINK IT!" yelled Wil.

"So did you get anything good?" asked Mathew.

"Uh…I found this monocle…" said Wil absentmindedly, pulling out a glass monocle from his pocket in the hopes that it would be enough to appease to Shri's sick whimsies.

"Why's it covered in blood?" asked Mathew curiously, indicating the huge streaks of red that were presumable globules once that were hastily wiped off at the last minute.

"Um…it was like that when I found it," said Wil, hastily stuffing it back into his pocket.

"It wasn't, was it?" asked Mathew.

"…no…" Wil replied.

"I WANNA GO IN THE HOUSES!" Mathew half screamed, half sobbed in frustration.

"Good morning," said Lucius absentmindedly, heading toward another one of the villages.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S ONE OF THOSE CLERICS!" yelled Wil in horror.

"Cool, let's kill it!" said Mathew.

"What?" Lucius asked vaugly, turning around just in time for two rabid youths to whip out various instruments used in the art of death and pounce on him.

---ooo---

"Oh no…my 'Lucius is getting mauled' sense is tingling…" said Raven, his eye twitching slightly. After the brief twitched had passed, almost instantly, his face turned from basic homicidal mania to heroic duty (with a slight undertone of homicidal mania) as he ripped off his shirt (_A/N: DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, FANGIRLS!_), revealing a shirt with a Superman-like logo on it, except that it had a huge 'RM' in it.

"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR…RAVENMAN!" said Raven, bounding off heroically, cackling like a maniac, ripping out a huge blade that he used to chop random things in half that happened to get in his way.

Meanwhile, behind him, Barte (voted 'Most Likely to Get His Head Stuck in a Chamber Pot' in High School…which he dropped out of) walked up to another village that had the potential to have lots of way-cool items. He walked up the steps that lead up to one of the houses, stopping in front of the door. He then paused for a moment, trying to remember exactly how doorknobs worked…

"Psst…hey buddy…" said a soft, almost hissed voice, as Barte looked all around him, up, down, to the sides, but he couldn't find the someone that was talking to him. "You look like a guy who…eh…could use something _nice_."

"Who said that?" said Barte. "ARE THE DOORS TALKING TO ME AGAIN? MUST SLAY DOOR!"

"Nonononono…" said the voice. "Just…open the door…for a surprise…"

"Oooooooooh no!" said Barte. "The last time I did THAT, I woke up with my face in a mud puddle not wearin' nuthin!"

"…I'll give you candy…" said the voice.

"SWEET!" yelled Barte, ripping the door of it's hinges with one yank, sending a massive tidal wave of light sloshing into the room that was devoid of both windows or any other source of light.

"I said open the door, not rip it off its hinges, moron," said Myrrh angrily, sitting in front of a huge wall of Naughty Nino Plushies. "Anyway…wanna Plushie?"

Barte just stared at the plushies with a look on his face that looked like a cross between confused, sick, and…somewhat impressed.

"Are you going to stare at the things, or are you going to buy one, you brute?" asked Myrrh flatly.

"Whoooooooah…that's like wroooooooooong…" said Barte.

"You're the Val Victorian of your class, aren't you smart boy?" said Myrrh.

"FREEZE PUNK!" screamed Rebecca, suddenly jumping into the now-wide-open doorway, an arrow notched in her quiver, pointing straight into the face of Myrrh, who instinctively threw her hands in the air. "You are under arrest for the manufacturing and selling of Naughty Nino plushies!"

"Well, well, well," said Nino, with a very 'I-got-you' sounding voice, wearing a pair of black sunglasses that were identical to Rebecca's. "Looks like we finally caught the center of the NNP ring. Who would have thought it would be the sweet little mamkute named Myrrh? Why the same person that found out that she's also known as…KIKI THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC! And…LADY BLAGART, HEAD OF THE INFAMOUS GANG OF MAD SWORDMASTERS WHO ARE ALL NAMED 'BARTHOLOMEW'! And…TANYA, THE WOMAN WHO WAS THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THE CREATION OF SOAP-ON-A-ROPE! And…BINKY THE SQUIRREL GIRL AND HER ALL-LOBSTER BAND!"

"HOW?" asked Myrrh in horror. "How…how did you find me? I set you off on a false trail! You're supposed to be hunting down the supplier of NNPs at a local ElimineMart in Ostia!"

"Well, there were just two little problems with your plan," said Nino with a wickedly triumphant smile. "One, you didn't prepare for the off chance that your scapegoat wouldn't snitch…"

---ooo---

"Okay…I'll tell you whatever you want if you give me one of those cookies," said Eliwood, pointing to the package of Oreos that Rebecca had in her hands outside of an ElimineMart.

---ooo---

"-and two, you didn't think that we could place a pawn to tempt you to exposing yourself," said Nino, giving Barte a pat on the shoulder. "It worked quite well, didn't it?"

"You used the idiot as a pawn?" hissed Myrrh. "You sick animals!"

"Actually, I'm not Barte!" said Barte. "I am in fact-"

With that, there was a little 'poof!', and with an explosion of pink smoke, he revealed himself to be.

"-NINO!" said the former-Barte.

"Uh…but _she's _Nino," said Rebecca, pointing to the Nino with sunglasses.

"CORRECT!" said the other Nino. "That's because I'm actually-"

POOF!

"-VAIDA!" said Vaida.

"Wow…your better than I thought," said Nino.

"Indeed!" said Vaida. "Because in fact, I am _not _Vaida, I'm-"

POOF!

"Marcus!" said Marcus.

"Uh…great…" said Nino. "Alright Myrrh, you have the right to remain-"

"But the truth is, I'm not Marcus either!" said Marcus. "I'm really-"

POOF!

"Epharium!" said Epharium. "But I'm not Epharium either! I'm-"

POOF!

"AXEL FROM KINGDOM HEARTS!" said Axel. "And I'm not-"

"STOP THAT ALREADY!" yelled Rebecca and Nino simultaneously.

"Uh..." Myrrh said.

"YOU TOO!" yelled Nino. "Well, normally, law regulates that we take you to a court and give you a fair trial and blah, blah, blah, but you know what? We've just decided to get someone from homicidal maniac division to finish you off!"

"Huh?" asked Myrrh, but her question was answered as Karel was dragged in a straight jacket with a human muzzle strapped across his face, as he was fighting his hardest against his restraints to pretty much tackle everyone and rip their jugulars out of their throats with his teeth.

---ooo---

"Well, I say that this battle's going pretty well so far!" said Shri to Lyn, as Myrrh's screams could be vaugly heard in the distance, fluttering over the rooftops of other houses.

"Well, no one's gotten killed I guess…" said Lyn vaguely, scanning through the rest of 'The Lycian Times'.

"And Guy managed to find this wicked-cool monocle!" said Shri estacically, sticking it on her face over her right eye. "I now radiate with supreme coolage!"

"No you don't," Lyn said.

"SHUT YO MOUTH!" said Shri. "Every dude and dudette knows that only boiz and chicks from da hood are cool nuf ta wear monocles, mah sister!"

"…please tell me your trying not to talk street," said Lyn, flipping one of the pages.

"FOSHIZZLE TO THE HIZZLE MAH DIZZLE!" said Shri.

_Oh Elimine, if you can hear me, somehow use your power to get this under-endowed in the intellect sense tactician out of my life…_Lyn thought in silent prayer as she read about how a man was now in custody for sending his rabid wyvern out on the entire audience of his public access show with the intention of ripping their faces out.

"'Scuse me," said a random thief person bumping into her, then quickly walking by.

"HEY! WATCH THE THREADS, DAWG!" yelled Shri, shaking an angry fist at the man. "Jerk trippin' on mah street cred…ah whatevah. Now then homies, it's time two…WHAT THE? THAT JERK STOLE MY COOKIE!"

"Ah…that was fun…" said Raven with a sinisterly-pleased smile on his face, his face covered in blood, with a very pleased-looking smile on his face.

"GIMMIE!" yelled Shri, ripping the blade out of his hands, and then, screaming like a homicidal maniac, charged in the direction of the thief who had stolen her beloved cookie-

-which also turned out to be the same direction as a group of really high-level pirates.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Eliwood, as Shri was then attacked by a bunch of mad pirates. "They're totally slaughtering her! And since their technically enemy forces, they're allowed to, so Shri's totally dead!"

"What…say that last bit again…" said Lyn, her eyes wide, and trailing above the newspaper.

"Shri's totally dead!" said Eliwood.

"…again…please…" said Lyn.

"Shi's totally dead!"

"…again."

"Shri's totally dead!"

"Again."

"Shri's totally dead!"

"Again."

"Shri's totally dead!"

Silence.

"AT LAST!" screamed Lyn with joy, throwing down the newspaper, and leaping into the air, almost looking like she was floating. "THE DAY HAS FINALLY COME! NO LONGER AM I BOUND TO THE SERVICE OF AN IDIOT! I'M FREE! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT-"

----ooo---

Then she woke up in her tent.

"NO! NOOOOOOOOO!" she sobbed into her hands. "WHYYYYYYYY?"

---ooo---

"Lyn's crying again," said Eliwood, sitting up in bed, wearing a silly looking pair of 'Thomas the Tank Engine' pajamas, a pink nightcap with a great big puff hanging off the end, and hugging a huge teddy bear.

"I think the battlefield has finally gotten to her," said Hector, his tent mate, wearing a pair of pink footie pajamas that came with a hood which had a pair of huge, pink bunny ears attached to them.

---ooo---

"-and so Lyn cried herself to sleep again, and then beat the tactician up in the morning, as well as Hector, the milkman, and several bystanders," said Eirika, closing up the huge storybook that had 'HEADBUTT' written on it in the comfy chair. "Well, that's all the time we have today, so good night, take care of yourself, and remember-"

"ROCK OUT YOUR SOCKS OUT HOMIES!" screamed Shri with her monocle.

**BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!**

"And so another one bites the dust…" said Moulder, with a homicidally pleased smile on his face, watching the studio burn.

"Yeah, I never thought we'd find enough dynamite to blow the entire thing up…" said Natasha, watching the towering inferno blaze in the cool night air.

"Come to think of it, where _did _you get that kind of firepower?" asked Serra.

---ooo---

"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight…" said Pricilla, counting a huge wad of bills in her hand, as she walked down the street, passing a telephone pole that had a missing poster for Canas on it.


	4. Musical Morphs: Part One

Now, I may have forgotten to mention this in times past but, sadly, I do not own Fire Emblem. Now, I know this fact disappoints you all, and now all of you hate me and want to never read my fic again, which I understand, because doing a disclaimer late is naughty and bad.

Okay, this is actually a reposting of 'Musical Morphs: Part One', because when I was told just how bad the spelling was (I was so by patting myself on the back distracted by being able to spell 'Ephraim' right, the spelling in this one was more atrocious than usual…). So…ah…if you were unfortunate enough to read the first posting, I'm so sorry! (I swear I don't have a terrible mental disorder, honestly, I'm just a stupid can't-spell-worth-anything-er). This isn't the first time I had to take down a chapter to edit it for stupid mistakes.

More open and violent abuse of Sacred Stones! Lez Yayz!. Oh yes, and Innes's GH ability is exactly like my own MAD L33T SKILLZ! (ha ha ha…) And the 'quick word from our sponsors' was inspired by an animated comic on feonline dot net.

---ooo---

_And now a quick word from our sponsors_

**WHAT THEY SAY**

Tana: Hello Marissa!

Marisa: Princess.

**WHAT TANA HEARS**

Marisa: I know it seems like I'm a souless non-talkative person, but in actuality, I'm shy and I have a hard time talking to other people due to the fact that I had a lackluster past and my life has been sad and hard. Also, considering I've never had a real close relationship with anyone, not even my father, I simply don't know how to form meaningful friendships with anyone.

Tana: Oh, that's terrible! Don't worry, I'll respect you and be your friend!

**WHAT MARISA HEARS**

Tana: If you agree to be my friend, I'll probably shut up!

Marisa: Thank god.

_Okay…so we have no sponsors…DON'T RUB IT IN OUR FACE!_

_That being said, in Grado's Keep, all is not well. What is about to take place shall affect all of Magvel, and a dark blanket of terror shall envelope her people, swirling and boiling into a sinister maelstrom of fear and despair…_

"AT LAST! I HAVE DONE IT!" cried Lyon in triumph over a huge, boiling cauldron. "My research has been completed at last! I have finally created the thing that will save my father's life! Knoll! Knoll, come in here!"

"Prince Lyon?" cried Knoll, rushing into the room, knowing that Lyon's psychotically pleased tone could only mean that he had just found what he thought he found. "Is it true…did you…did you really…"

"Yes…I have created a power equal to, no, far superior to that of the Sacred Stone!" cried Lyon. "I have found it! A power that can save thousands and thousands of lives! NAY, A POWER THAT CAN REVERSE THE VERY NATURE OF DEATH!"

"So it is…" said Knoll, almost mystically.

"Yes Knoll…" said Lyon, reaching into the still simmering cauldron. "Be-OW! OW! HOT!"

"Idiot," said Knoll.

"SHUT UP!" said Lyon, pulling out the object. "BEHOLD! THE DARK STONE!"

"…well…it's more of a magenta…" said Knoll, looking at the smooth, spherical stone in Lyon's hands, which was indeed a dark, purplish-pink color.

"NO IT'S NOT! IT'S A DARK STONE!" yelled Lyon. "At last…I have a piece of supreme power in my hands…a power that I have to alter the fate of many a man…with this…I can save countless lives…oh, what a tremendous divine strength I possess…"

"It's very cute," said Knoll.

"SHUT UP!" said Lyon. "Now…what to do first? Oh…what to do? Cure cancer? Fix the ozone layer?"

"Put it on display in a knickknacks store and watch girls squeal over its adorableness?" asked Knoll.

"I-SAID-SHUT-UP!" yelled Lyon. "AH HA! Why don't I test its power by summoning something?"

"Like gelatin?" asked Knoll.

"NO, YOU BACKWARDS, EMPTY-MINDED IDIOT!" yelled Lyon. "LIKE GELATIN!"

With that, he clutched the stone tightly in his hand, and his face became consumed with a very strained, painful-looking expression. In front of him, floating in midair, what looked like a pale ball of smoke slowly began to twirl into itself, forming into what appeared to be a very small cube of lime gelatin. However, when the gelatin was fully formed…it did nothing more but fall and splatter on the ground.

"IT WORKED!" screamed Lyon in triumph over his creation of the huge, green splatter on the floor.

"Yay," said Knoll. "Now, about curing cancer-"

"WAIT!" said Lyon. "I wonder how well such power will work in great quantities…"

"Let's cure cancer and find out," said Knoll.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" yelled Lyon. "I've got it! I shall give everyone in the world gelatin! I, LYON, SHALL MAKE GELATIN RAIN FROM THE HEAVENS!"

"Someone's becoming a gods-playing loo-neeeeeee…" sung Knoll.

"SHUT UP! I AM PERFECTLY SANE, THANK YOU!" said Lyon. "Now, let's begin with the gelatin raining…"

_And ye, gelatin did rain from the sky (yummy cherry gelatin at that) due to the will of the awesome power of the Magenta Stone. While this is a tremendously good thing for gelatin lovers, little did the world know that it's effects on society in general would be catastrophic…_

_So now, our story turns to an innocent bus stop_

"Ooh…terrible weather…" said Tethys to herself, quickly rushing into the roofed bus stop, shivering partially due to the cold gelatin that was raining from the sky (some of the larger pieces had bits of fruit in them), partially because of her lack of clothes. She sat down quickly on the wooden, backless bench, too busy trying to rub her upper-arms to warm them to notice that Ninian was sitting at the other end of, reading a magazine that said 'BOYZ' on it, and seemed quite fascinated with it's content, considering her nose was barely and inch away from the page she was reading.

There was a minute of silence, as Tethys's eyes wandered all around the booth, as Ninian's eyes stayed firmly in her magazine. However, her eyes happened to fall on the blue haired Chii wannabe, who payed her absolutely no attention at all.

"Interesting magazine, isn't it?" she said.

"NOITHATEITIT'SDISGUSTING!" cried Ninian, slaming it shut and shoving it out of her reach, then putting her hands in her lap quickly, pretending nothing had happened. There was a brief pause.

"Hmm…" said Tethys. "Are you…no, you can't be…"

"Sorry?" asked Ninian.

"No, it's nothing…" said Tethys.

"No, seriously, what?" asked Ninian.

"You're not…a cleric, are you?" asked Tethys.

"Me? Oh…no…" said Ninian. "I'm an entertainer…a dancer."

Silence.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-" screamed Tethys, suddenly consumed in hysterical laughter, doubled over, her hands gripping her bare stomach, her long, red braid falling in front of her, barely managing to keep herself from breathing.

"What? What's so funny?" Ninian asked.

"I…CAN'T BREATH…CAN'T…YOU A…DANCER…HA HA HA HA-" screamed Tethys, trying even harder to stay upright. However, her efforts failed her completely, and she fell out of the chair, curling up in a ball, completely consumed by mad hyena laughter.

"I am a dancer!" said Ninian, now a little annoyed. "Can't you tell by this ridiculous ribbon-scarf thing floating over my head?"

"NO WAY!" screamed Tethys, consumed by laugher again. "YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE A NUN!"

"What's that supposed to do with anything?" asked Ninian.

"Well…I suppose when you got it, you got it….and when you don't…hee hee…you…don't…" Tethys continued to choke.

"What's _that _supposed to mean?" asked Ninian, now very annoyed.

"Well entertainers usually have…well, they like to show of their graceful bodies, as well as their graceful moves," said Tethys. "And frankly hon, you're dressing like someone who's hiding _everything_. And well, that's probably a good thing."

"Hey! That's rude!" said Ninian. "You don't need to dress in a midriff and almost see-through pants to be a dancer! I think this dress looks nice on me. Besides, when I dance, I at least try to have a little _class_."

"More like you _wouldn't_ be able to dance without 'class' because you'd scare everyone away with your massive gut if you wore _this _outfit," said Tethys.

"MASSIVE GUT?" yelled Ninian. "At least I'm not some back-alley tramp who can't tell the difference between undergarments and day wear!"

"At least I'm not uuuuug-leeeeee," said Tethys.

"At least I'm not scaaaaaaaaa-reeeeeeee," said Ninian.

"Who are you calling scary, bean-pole?" asked Tethys.

"Who are you calling ugly, bimbo?" asked Ninian.

"At least I'm not a pig," said Tethys.

"At least I'm not a sleaze-ball," said Ninian.

"Fatso," said Tethys.

"Witch," said Ninian.

"Shapeless," said Tethys.

"Skank," said Ninian.

"Hasn't-got-a-nice-body," said Tethys.

"Hasn't-got-a-nice-brain," said Ninian.

"Okay, that's it," said Tethys. "I've had enough of this bickering. We aren't going to solve any of our problems by sitting here and bickering. Throwing insults back and forth isn't going to solve our problems."

"Wow…you know, that's a surprisingly mature way to look at it," said Ninian. "Ah…perhaps I misjudged you."

"So let's go straight to catfighting," said Tethys.

"…never mind," said Ninian. "Can't we just sit down and talk with the intention of working out our differences? Or agree to disagree? Or meet each other halfway?"

"Hmm…okay, how about meeting halfway?" said Tethys. "We won't catfight, so lets have a nice, friendly competition instead!"

"…what kind of competition?" asked Ninian suspiciously.

"Glad you asked," said Tethys, pushing a huge, red button on the wall of the bus stop that had a sign pointing to it that said 'The Big Red Button'. Then, with that, a hole appeared in the ceiling, as a plasma TV came down, as well as a hole in the floor, as a platform raised, to reveal a PS2, and as two speakers crept up the sides of the bus stop, a huge voice screamed out of them-

"DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!"

"You're…kidding…" said Ninian, as the DDR mat rose up on the same platform as the PS2.

"Nope!" said Tethys, promptly hopping onto her spot on the mat. "Wassamatter? You _scared_?"

"Heck no!" said Ninian, huffily getting onto the mat, planting both her feet firmly in the center, as the huge television screen turned on, revealing the opening screen.

"Hope you don't mind hard mode," said Tethys, stepping on the arrow as she scrolled through the options.

"Hope you don't want to die," said Ninian coolly.

"Select music!" said the screen voice.

"Butterfly!" said Tethys.

"Smoke on the Water!" said Ninian.

"No, Butterfly!" said Tethys.

"Smoke on the Water!" said Ninian.

"BUTTERFLY!" yelled Tethys. "I WANT BUTTERFLY! I WANT BUTTERFLY! IWANTITIWANTITIWANTITIWANTITI"-

"Okay! YEESH!" yelled Ninian. "We'll do Butterfly…"

"YAY!" said Tethys, bouncing all across the DDR mat, sending the control on the television going in every which direction from having random arrows on the mat being hopped. "I'm better than you are! I'm better than you are!"

"Yeah, that's great, PICK THE **BEEP**ING SONG!" yelled Ninian.

"Fine fine fine," said Tethys, pushing the buttons.

"Select the characters!" said the announcer.

"Don't choose the blonde haired girl with the-aw, never mind," said Ninian, as Tethys picked her favorite character.

And so the great DDR battle commenced! Both dancers fought with incredible skill and precision! Oh, the feats of dexterity! Both of the dancers battled it on nimble feet, neither of them missing a single step, not even on those wickedly difficult combo moves! Truly this was a battle that rocked the foundation of dancerdom! (_Note: The Webster's Dictionary wishes to confirm that no, dancerdom is NOT a word, so don't you idiots even THINK about trying to use it you filthy, grammatically incorrect FREAKS who think your so cool just because SOME website will actually ACCEPT your work and your fellow IDIOTS actually enjoy it you BAND OF TEENAGE NEUROTIC EMO-FATHEADS!) _Their scores were virtually even, and it was going to come down to the last few moves to see who would truly be crowned with the title of 'Best Dancer Eva'.

"HA! I'M KICKIN' YOUR BUTT!" said Tethys, nimbly dancing across the mat.

"As if Scary Godmother!" yelled Ninian. "J00 G0NN4 D13 F00!"

"FILTHY L33T SPEAKER!" screamed Tethys.

"FILTHY…PERSON IN GENERAL!" yelled Ninian.

"HA! I STUCK THE COMBO!" said Tethys.

"SO DID I!" said Ninian.

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" yelled Tethys.

"YEAH I DID!" said Ninian.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tethys.

"NO YOU SHUT UP!" said Ninian.

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO YOU-"

However, the winner of the DDR match was never to be determined, for the entire bus stop was crushed by a huge ball of salespeople that seemed to fall from the sky like a huge meteor, completely shattering the SW33T PS2, the DDR machine, everything. The only reason that the two survived was because they were protected by the magical K+ force field as usual.

However, it really, reaaaaaaaaaally hurt. I made sure of that personally.

Meanwhile…

---ooo---

"Looks like I beat you," said Nils to Innes in the studio, as he had just finished a game of 'Guitar Hero' with him. Nil's score was 100. Innes's scroe was 2.

"No you didn't," said Innes.

"Uh, yeah I did," said Nils, pointing to the screen.

"Two out of three," said Innes.

---ooo---

_The rain of gelatin had at last yielded across the continent of Magvel. However, their sinister reign was now replaced with the horror of huge balls of salespeople that now roamed across the continent, squishing all in their path, destroying the illustrious beauty of the countryside, and ultimately…selling things._

_Meanwhile, in Grado's Keep, General Duessel, the Obsidian, General Selena, the Fluorspar, and General Glen, the Sunstone, were slowly coming to terms with the idea that, perhaps, something was very wrong._

"Sir Duessel. Sir Glen," said Selena, saluting her fellow officers as she entered the hallway which Duessel and Glen happened to be at that moment.

"Ah, Dame Selena, well met," said Glen, returning her salute. "Anything new to report?"

"Ah…the news is only bad…" said Selena. "You see…I…"

"What is it Selena?" asked Glen.

"I encountered one of the…balls of salesmen…" said Selena.

"And?" said Duessel, his voice filled with both anxiousness and fear.

"I…I bought a set of Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots!" said Selena, holding up the Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots game. "I couldn't help it! They gave me a great bargain!"

"WOOT! AWESOME!" said Glen.

"Lets go play in the Imperial General's Lounge!" said Duessel.

"We can't, remember?" said Selena. "Valter turned it into his own personal tanning bed and massage parlor."

"Oh…right…" said Duessel.

"Fudge," said Glen.

"And I liked the lounge too," said Duessel.

"Well you gotta admit, he needs it, being so hideously ugly and all," said Glen.

"Ain't that the truth," said Selena. "Come to think of it…none of the new generals are nice to look at huh? I mean Riev seriously needs to do something about the massive bags under his eyes and the discolored, yellowish skin, and Valter looks like Romero on cold meds with a perm!"

"Yeah, terrible," said Glen. "Of course, their dishonorable, so what do you expect?"

"What?" asked Selena.

"Their dishonorable, so their naturally ugly," said Duessel. "It's part of life's grand design."

"Huh…wonder why that is?" asked Selena.

"Simple," sad Duessel. "We are nice, honorable men, so the happy gods of honorableness smile on us, and thus, the give us hot bodies and make us look incredibly attractive. That's why it's better to be honorable than to be dishonorable-so you won't be butt ugly."

"Ooooooh," said Selena.

"Hey, wait a minute," said Glen. "If everyone who's dishonorable is ugly, then how come those people in the game next door look hot?"

---ooo---

"I feel pre-teeeeee, oh so pre-teeeee, I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaaaaaay!" sung Limstella, skipping around with Ephidel in the Dragon's Gate.

"And I pit-teeeeeee any girl who isn't me to-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" sung Ephidel, also skipping around.

"That's it! No more musicals for you two!" barked Nergal to his morphs.

---ooo---

"You lose again," said Nils, who's score was 100, while Innes's was 3.

"That's it. We're switching controllers," said Innes.

---ooo---

"Okay, first of all, what the heck was that?" asked Duessel. "Anyway, the guys next door are fabricated life forms, so the laws of nature don't apply to them. Please notices that their creator looks like a man who got his face stuck in a blender."

"That makes sense," said Selena. "Hey, Caellach isn't terrible looking. Does that mean he's honorable?"

"Nah, it just means that he works his butt off to make sure he doesn't turn into a shrunken prune of a man," said Glen. "He must have a whole arsenal of beauty products hidden somewhere that stops his face from collapsing into itself. Being honorable, we don't need to do anything like that to make ourselves pretty."

"What are you talking about?" said Duessel. "As if _that's _your natural hair color!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Glen dangerously.

"Oh yeah, people with dark tan skin and platinum blonde hair are just wandering around _everywhere_!" said Duessel.

"It's not platinum, it's Golden Mist!" said Glen angrily. "And what are you talking about? At least I don't _need _to die my hair, unlike SOMEONE I know!"

"Are you implying that I need to dye my hair?" Duessel asked angrily.

"Oh sure, because EVERYONE looks hot with HUGE FREAKY GREY SIDEBURNS!" yelled Glen.

"They looked distinguished!" yelled Duessel. "Besides, if I dyed my hair, I wouldn't look MANLY!"

"Pah, I don't need to do anything, and I still look great," said Selena.

"Besides putting on a load of makeup every day," said Duessel.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Selena, about to beat him to a pulp.

"WAIT! We can't violently slaughter each other!" said Glen. "If we do, we won't be honorable anymore, and we'll get ugly fast!"

"Not to mention we'll be dead," said Duessel.

"True, true," said Selena. "Then in that case, we have only one course of action."

---ooo---

"Alright you guys, now that my mind has been corrupted by the indisputably evil yet slightly coy, amusing, and adorable powers of the Magenta Stone, I now have your orders to slaughter everyone you happen to-what the?" said Lyon, aimlessly ranting as he arose from his secret laboratory under the keep, finding that the hallway where the generals usually hung out was totally empty, save for a little piece of folded up paper taped to the wall. Absentmindedly, he walked over and snatched it up, revealing it to be a piece of 'Peanuts' stationary that read:

_Gone to the Ms. Honorable Beauty Pageant. Won't be back for awhile._

_-The Imperial Three_

"Crackers," said Lyon. "You take away their lounge, and they go to some pageant to spite you. CALLECH! RIEV! VALTER! I-"

He cut himself off when he saw another piece of paper taped to the wall. He snatched this one up too, and read it.

_Gone to the Jehanna Beauty Salon. Won't be back for awhile._

_-The Other Three_

"THOSE DASTARDS!" screamed Lyon.

---ooo---

"There's just something about having your hair washed by someone else that's really…relaxing…" said Caellach, as he was having his hair shampooed by one of the salon workers.

"Yeah…it makes me feel very honorable…" said Riev, who was getting his toenails painted, as Valter was being beaten senseless by one of the salon girls with a hairdryer for doing something…erm, wrong.

---ooo---

"Okay, I'm seriously going to win this time, I just know it," said Innes, his score now up to a 16.

"Look, you've lost the last seventeen matches," said Nils, his Guitar Hero score still a 100. "I think it's time to hang up the towel."

"NEVER! I SHALL DEFEAT YOU, YOU STUPID BLUE-HAIRED…THING!" yelled Innes. "Okay, now let's do 'I Wanna Get Sedated'."

"INNES!" yelled Eirika from upstairs, as the game started. "WE'RE GOING TO FIGHT THE FINAL BOSS!"

"I'll be up in a minute!" he yelled, just barely managing to hit a combo.

"WE'RE LEAVING NOW INNES!" yelled Eirika.

"I said I'll be up in a minute!" he yelled back at her.

"GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE INNES!" yelled Eirika.

"OH! YOU MADE ME MISS A REALLY LONG NOTE!" screamed Innes angrily. "THANKS A LOT EIRIKA! THANKS A BLOODY LOT!"

"THAT'S IT INNES! WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!" yelled Eirika.

"NO YOU AREN'T!" yelled Innes back.

"Have fun losing Innes," said Eirika.

"I WON'T LOSE! I NEVER LOSE!" yelled Innes.

"Sure you don't Innes," said Eirika.

"SHUT UP!"

---ooo---

_WARNING! HIGHLY SATIRIZED, HIGHLY SPOILERIZEDNESS AHEAD! IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE END OF THE GAME YET AND DON'T WANT TO, CLOSE COVER YOUR EARS AND SCREAM "LA LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA" IN FRONT OF YOU COMPUTERSCREEN UNTIL WE TELL YOU OTHERWISE! DON'T WORRY, PEOPLE WON'T THINK YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A MANIAC, WE WARNED THEM BEFORE HAND…okay, no we didn't, BUT DO AS WE SAY ANYWAY! _

"AT LAST!" said Ephraim. "We have made it to the temple in Darkling Woods!"

"Here is where the last battle shall be held," said Eirika. "I have no wish to bring harm to others, but seeing the terror that has been brought upon our countrymen, I have no choice but to-where the heck's Lyon?"

Sure enough, the space at the very end of the map, which was supposed to hold a mega-hard final boss was…completely empty. Everyone in the party looked all around, but they couldn't find him or any trace of something really powerful/evil. It was just a really empty, really old tomb.

"LYON?" yelled Eirika.

"I'm right here!" yelled Lyon, walking out from behind a huge column, dripping wet with a huge shower puff in his hand, wearing nothing but a towel. "Honestly, I thought I'd have enough time between scene changes to take a shower, but nooooooooo…."

"Um…well…" said Ephraim.

"Hang on a second, I just need a lightning fast clothes change," said Lyon.

**SEVERAL SECONDS LATER**

"RIGHT! NOW I'M READY!" said Lyon, dressed in his way-scary killer mage outfit. "Now then, what part were we on?"

"Eirika just got finished with her bit," said Ephraim.

"No I didn't!" said Eirika.

"Shut up and let the man rant," sad Ephraim.

"FOOLS!" said Lyon. "Now, you shall all die at the hands of my great and terrible power! PR3P4R3 2 B 0WNZ3R3D!"

With that, he grasped his mighty Magenta Stone in his hands, once again straining with great concentration, he prepared another summoning. What he summoned was a monstrous beast indeed, one of the most noble and dangerous in the world…the dragon. Yes, a dragon, with glittering scales, eyes that were great coals of anger and fiery furry, teeth that were made to rip flesh, claws meant to hold its screaming victim down, it spread its huge, leathery wings wide, it's teeth-lined jaws consumed in a massive roar of battle tide.

It was a shame it was only three centimeters tall. And was squished instantly by Ephraim.

"Aw jeez…" said Lyon.

"We have defeated your first challenge, blackheart!" said Ephraim. "We eagerly await your second!"

"Eh…heh…funny you should mention that…" said Lyon. "You see, after the dragon, I really didn't have that much planned.

Silence.

"Ah," said Eirika.

Silence.

"I'm dead now, aren't I?" said Lyon.

---ooo---

"Yeah, thought so," said Lyon, his health bar dropping to zero.

"Lyon…" said Eirika. "I'm…I'm so sorry…"

"No…it's my fault…" said Lyon. "I shouldn't have appealed to the force of a supreme deity of ultimate evil and just stayed in med school like Dad told me to. Honestly…I feel pretty stupid…"

"You should," said Ephraim.

"Shut up!" said Eirika. "You're ruining a dramatic moment!"

"Eirika…I need…to tell you…" said Lyon.

"That you're in love with me?" said Eirika. "No need. L'Archel spilt her guts at our last slumber party."

"…God, I hate that women and her stupid boy toys," said Lyon. "But that's not it."

"What is it then?" asked Eirika.

"I…I…" said Lyon.

"Yes?" said Eirika, as the dramatic tension was mounting.

"I…stole your seventh Birthday cupcake in first grade and blamed it on Tana!" said Lyon. Then he croaked.

"Such…sorrow…" said Ephraim.

"WAIT? THAT WAS YOU?" yelled Eirika. "MAN, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE DEAD, OR I'D KILL YOU!"

_Those who inhibit this Earth…tremble in fear…cower at the fate of your race…you will see nothing but pain…_

"Oh…perfect…" said Ephraim.

"It's the Demon King, isn't it?" said Eirika in a deadpan.

"Figures…" said Ephraim.

…_tremble in the might…of the demon king…_

"Well NOW what?" yelled Ephraim angrily, as the demon king began to tower over all of them, looking very nasty and scary indeed.

"Fear not," said Saleh calmly. "For you see, on my great travels across the land in pursuit of the wisdom of the Great Dragon, I have found an ancient relic of intense power in one of the many ruins that I have searched."

"What is this item?" asked Eirika.

"WALAWALA, THE PLASMA CANNON OF POINTY THINGS!" screamed Saleh in a homicidal kind of voice, pulling out a huge, shoulder mounted plasma cannon, an eye-twitch suddenly appearing in his eyes, as he set loose a massive blast, ripping the Demon King apart molecule by molecule.

_You…buttheads…_

Silence, as the Demon King's final screeches echoed across the temple.

"Wow….we won…" said Ephraim.

Silence.

"Funny…I thought more people were going to die," he said.

"Me too," said Eirika.

Silence.

"So…now what?" Ephraim asked.

"Cheap Pizza and Mountain Dew?" asked Eirika.

"I'm game!" said Ephraim.

_OKAY, YOU CAN STOP NOW!_

And so that's how the entire Sacred Stone's gang ended up sitting at the back of a tour bus, singing very loudly and getting high on cheap pizza and Mountain Dew, celebrating their glorious victory.

"Stupid warriors won't shut up…" growled the bus driver darkly.

"I TOLD you they looked distinguished!" said Duessel in the front seat, with a tiara in on his head, a huge bouquet of roses in his arms, and a huge ribbon around his chest that had 'Ms. Honorable' written on it.

"Lucky…" said Selena, as Glen was sobbing hysterically in the seat closest to the window. That's when Garcia walked by to throw away his Mountain Dew bottle.

Silence.

"Well _he's _not very honorable," said Selena.

"No indeed," said Duessel.

---ooo---

"HA! I DID IT!" cried Innes. "I BEAT YOU! I TOLD YOU I WOULD!"

"By only one point," said Nils.

"I AM VICTORIUS!" screamed Innes.

"On easy mode," said Nils.

"I OWN YOU DAWG!" yelled Innes.

"When I was playing with my feet," said Nils. "And for the love of Elimine Innes, stop doing the Happy Innes Dance! (_A/N Just imagine Rikku's stupid victory dance times ten thousand levels of disturbingness)_"

---ooo---

"Random Fun Fact:" said Knoll, sitting in the comfy chair with the 'HEADBUTT' book open and balanced on his lap. "The Happy Innes Dance used to be The Happy Canas Dance which was changed to The Happy Erk Dance which was changed to the Happy Artur Dance which was changed to The Happy Cormag Dance which was changed back to The Happy Artur Dance which was Changed to the Happy Lute Dance. Well, that's all the time we have for today, so enjoy yourself, drive home safely, and for God's sake, don't touch the live wires! And remember-"

"I…too…feel very pretty…" said Sonia, giving everyone an evil smile, as she peeked out from behind the chair.


End file.
